Direct To Text Reviews: May 7th 2011

Some more shabbily written reviews:

SKYSCRAPER

Stars: Anna Nicole Smith, Charles M. Huber, Richard Steinmetz

Plot: It's Die Hard in an Office Building...oh wait. Yes, Anna Nicole is a helicopter pilot who finds herself in a dangerous situation when a terrorist group takes over an office building in order to obtain some sort of special object.

Review: It's...bad? Yes. There are obvious errors throughout and perhaps one of the worst editing gaffs I've ever seen when a man is supposed to be falling on the roof of a car, but obviously hits the side before a quick edit teleports him onto the top. Our main villain quotes Shakespeare in an attempt to give him a pompous aura but it's most silly. Anna Nicole looks clueless throughout except for when her bread and butter nudity scenes appear. While the movie may try and push itself as a typical actioner, it's essentially a softcore porn, including random scenes where Anna takes a break and has a memory of a random sex encounter at a picnic. Uniquely enough, I fast forwarded to get back to the movie. Perhaps I should turn in my "man card."

Grade: D. A guess there are a few titillating moments...sigh. Seriously, it's horrible but completely cheesy and ridiculously easy to riff which saves it from being completely dreadful.
Why Not a DC Review: It was made in 1996 so it's not the most recent thing in the world. Also, because it's essentially Die Hard the Softcore Porn...and my drawings are awkward enough as is.

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REPLICANT

Stars: Jean Claude Van Damme, Michael Rooker, Catherine Dent

Plot: Scientists create a genetic clone of the serial killer, known as "Torch" for his post murder activities, in order to help a pulled-out-of-retirement cop track him down.

Review: This movie was enjoyable. Van Damme turns in a great performance as both malicious killer and confused clone (no matter how odd that sentence may be) while Rooker plays the obsessed police officier. The story is tense at times, although I do wish it had stayed truer to the original script. The little gaffs and irritations weren't enough to ruin the film for me.

Grade: B. A really enticing film where JCVD actually gets to act some. Michael Rooker is stellar as usual. The movie was an entertaining surprise when I first saw it.

Why Not a DC Review: Made in 2001, there are plenty of more recent and relevant JCVD movies I could review.

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HUSK

Stars: Devon Graye, Wes Chatham, CJ Thomason

Plot: A group of friends have an accident and go to a nearby house surrounded by corn. They then discover the scarecrows are alive and not big fans of letting them leave.

Review: This movie tries to play it straight the whole way through and at times I think that hurts them. Characters react more realistically and it was harder to pin people down as stereotypes, which is a plus. The reveal about the scarecrows is handled well and the story progresses fine. Of course, after part of the reveal shows that the scarecrows can't leave the cornfield, I instantly came up with the plan of "Just set fire to the cornfield and wait." But that would apparently be silly. (Note: No, I don't care about your cornfield or your collateral damage. Bill me. I'll pay it off $100 a month for 5o years.)

Grade: C-. Killer scarecrows have been done before. This movie tries something different with the idea which ends up being hit or miss for the most part. If it sounds interseting, I suggest you give it a try.

Why Not a DC Review: The movie did have a brief theatrical release before going straight to DVD as part of FearFest (or something like that). Not sure if the small time in theaters should count, I just decided to leave it out.

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed.

Direct To Text Reviews: 4/10/2011

Hello valued reader(s),

Sometimes I see Straight to DVD movies out of curiosity thinking that I can use them for later Disturbingly Cheap reviews. Sometimes I'm wrong.

Still, because this blog could use an update or two from time to time, I've decided that when this happens, I'll give some quick thoughts in written form. Since I've already taken up too much time explaining this, let's jump into the reviews.

UNTHINKABLE
Stars: Samuel L. Jackson, Carrie Anne-Moss, Michael Sheen

Plot: A black-ops interrogator and an FBI agent press a suspect terrorist in attempts to coerce him into revealing the location of three nuclear weapons sets to detonate in the U.S.

Review: A movie that was destined for theatrical release until the company funding said release went bankrupt, Unthinkable is an outstanding and thought provoking film. A rare movie where Samuel L. Jackson disappears into the character he's playing as the story evolves. Carrie Anne-Moss is wonderful as the film's moral compass while Michael Sheen is absolutely amazing as the terrorist Steven Younger (AKA Yusuf). This film went on to win the Straight to DVD Awards' "Best Picture."

This movie flows like a rapid river, dragging you along for the ride. This is a definite recommendation as the film grabbed me and didn't let go until the very. last. second.

Grade: A+.
Why Not a DC Review: Seriously considered, but in the end, I wouldn't be able to do much with the pictures and there is a large part of me that just didn't want to spoil anything that happens.

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BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA 2
Stars: George Lopez, Ernie Hudson, Odette Yustman

That's an insanely quick change in tone, huh?

Plot: Just married, Papi and Chloe are trying to keep up with their five puppies. When the dogs discover that their caretaker's family is struggling to pay the mortgage (and are making bank plans selling their home) they (along with other friendly dogs) decide to compete in a dog show in order to win a large cash prize and save the house.

Review: It's a cheesy family film packed with plenty of puppies doing cute things and silly jokes. The movie caught me off guard with some decent humor in spots (although there were some cringe inducers as well). And I'll even say the unique twist near the end is nice enough. Lopez's voice does get on my nerves after a while, though.

Oh, and apparently French Stewart is still around as he appears for a very small role here. You know. French Stewart. The guy from 3rd Rock From the Sun that wasn't in Cliffhanger or Inception...no, not the fat one. You know. The guy who played INSPECTOR GADGET!...In the Direct to Video sequel. Maybe you know him as MARV from Home Alone...4. Okay. Never mind.

$Texas.

Grade: B-. It does what it needs to do (which is usually a C) and also made me laugh a few times (which bumped it up a little). Also, puppies are cute. Good enough for me.
Why Not a DC Review: I can't draw dogs. I just...can't.

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VICTIM

""Stars"": Stephen Weigand, Bob Bancroft, Brendan Kelly

Plot: A young man finds himself held captive by a mysterious doctor and his brutish henchman. Informed that "You are no longer you," his fingerprints are burned off, and he (and the audience) is subjected to torture. It's all leading up to the big reveal of why the doctor is doing what he's doing. And...it's stupid.

Review: It may have spilled into the plot part. I hate this movie.

Apparently, it has become commonplace to come up with the idea that "If you can disgust an audience, it must also be disturbing, and thus is a Horror movie." Gain the reputation. Cash in on the morbid curiosity. This movie is not good in any way. The acting. The plot. The gore. The script. The twist. The characters. The film. The catering probably sucked, too.

I cannot find any possible reason to recommend it. If you read this and for some reason feel you have to see it...go right ahead. I don't care. Because this bit of review writing is helping me purge it from my system so I never have to think about it ever again.

Grade: F. I'll say it over and over. I'm tired of this "Disgust the audience and call it Horror" junk. This movie seems to hide behind it's "twist" as a great and riveting moment but it does nothing to save the junk provided. Junk. Junk. CRAP.
Why not a DC Review: Couple of reasons. I don't want to be an "angry reviewer" who rants on everything and this is the kind of movie that would warrant that behavior. You may have noticed not much logical thought in the section marked "review" and the video would've had even less. With all due respect to the people who worked hard in every aspect to get this film created...sorry, but I despise it.
Also, because I doubt as many people will see this blog as would the review and I just wanted to rant on it without really peaking interest in it. Do. No. Watch. This. Piece. Of. Crap.

...

And with that variety of films, I'm calling this a blog (Hi, Blog) and wishing all that read it a nice day.

Until Next Time...Seriously. I can't draw dogs.