DC Reviews: Born to Raise Hell

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Our first look at Steven Seagal is ;courtesy

DC Reviews: The Chaperone

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Pro Wrestling and direct to DVD movies. How could they possibly go wrong? ...Well...

DC Reviews: The Hit List

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Another week, another Cuba Gooding Jr. movie. This time without Virgin Mary statues made of heroin.

DC Reviews: Sacrifice

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Cuba Gooding Jr. returns with "Sacrifice" the convoluted, character packed story that revolves around Virgin Mary statues made of heroin. ;

Direct To Text Reviews: May 7th 2011

Some more shabbily written reviews:

SKYSCRAPER

Stars: Anna Nicole Smith, Charles M. Huber, Richard Steinmetz

Plot: It's Die Hard in an Office Building...oh wait. Yes, Anna Nicole is a helicopter pilot who finds herself in a dangerous situation when a terrorist group takes over an office building in order to obtain some sort of special object.

Review: It's...bad? Yes. There are obvious errors throughout and perhaps one of the worst editing gaffs I've ever seen when a man is supposed to be falling on the roof of a car, but obviously hits the side before a quick edit teleports him onto the top. Our main villain quotes Shakespeare in an attempt to give him a pompous aura but it's most silly. Anna Nicole looks clueless throughout except for when her bread and butter nudity scenes appear. While the movie may try and push itself as a typical actioner, it's essentially a softcore porn, including random scenes where Anna takes a break and has a memory of a random sex encounter at a picnic. Uniquely enough, I fast forwarded to get back to the movie. Perhaps I should turn in my "man card."

Grade: D. A guess there are a few titillating moments...sigh. Seriously, it's horrible but completely cheesy and ridiculously easy to riff which saves it from being completely dreadful.
Why Not a DC Review: It was made in 1996 so it's not the most recent thing in the world. Also, because it's essentially Die Hard the Softcore Porn...and my drawings are awkward enough as is.

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REPLICANT

Stars: Jean Claude Van Damme, Michael Rooker, Catherine Dent

Plot: Scientists create a genetic clone of the serial killer, known as "Torch" for his post murder activities, in order to help a pulled-out-of-retirement cop track him down.

Review: This movie was enjoyable. Van Damme turns in a great performance as both malicious killer and confused clone (no matter how odd that sentence may be) while Rooker plays the obsessed police officier. The story is tense at times, although I do wish it had stayed truer to the original script. The little gaffs and irritations weren't enough to ruin the film for me.

Grade: B. A really enticing film where JCVD actually gets to act some. Michael Rooker is stellar as usual. The movie was an entertaining surprise when I first saw it.

Why Not a DC Review: Made in 2001, there are plenty of more recent and relevant JCVD movies I could review.

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HUSK

Stars: Devon Graye, Wes Chatham, CJ Thomason

Plot: A group of friends have an accident and go to a nearby house surrounded by corn. They then discover the scarecrows are alive and not big fans of letting them leave.

Review: This movie tries to play it straight the whole way through and at times I think that hurts them. Characters react more realistically and it was harder to pin people down as stereotypes, which is a plus. The reveal about the scarecrows is handled well and the story progresses fine. Of course, after part of the reveal shows that the scarecrows can't leave the cornfield, I instantly came up with the plan of "Just set fire to the cornfield and wait." But that would apparently be silly. (Note: No, I don't care about your cornfield or your collateral damage. Bill me. I'll pay it off $100 a month for 5o years.)

Grade: C-. Killer scarecrows have been done before. This movie tries something different with the idea which ends up being hit or miss for the most part. If it sounds interseting, I suggest you give it a try.

Why Not a DC Review: The movie did have a brief theatrical release before going straight to DVD as part of FearFest (or something like that). Not sure if the small time in theaters should count, I just decided to leave it out.

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed.

DC Reviews: Blood Out

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Direct to DVD Action Revenge movie that claims to star 50 Cent, Val Kilmer, and Vinnie Jones. Is the vengeance served given to the bad guys...or the viewers?