DC Reviews: Tekken

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The latest video game, turned movie. So, is this one a KO or a scratched disc?

DC Reviews: Almighty Thor

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The Asylum needs a hero. So here he is...and he has a hammer...and AN UZI?!

Quarantine 2: Terminal -- Notes/Review

Recently, I watched the movie Quarantine 2: Terminal hoping to later do a review of it. However, I then read of it having a limited theatrical release so it may not apply to my Direct to DVD guidelines (of which there is one rule: No extended theatrical release with a set amount of theaters that I will determine on a case by hypocritical case basis).

Anyway, the decision made was to not do it so instead I've included the notes I took in Notepad while I watched. Hope you can find some enjoyment. A summary is at the end if you don't want it.

Absolute Spoilers from Beginning to End between the ~~~ things.

~~~~~~~

QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL

Open with a POV of a flight. They're coming in for a landing.

Cut to a cab and a woman buttoning her blouse. She's a stewardess

dressing for work as they rush not to be late. Why are they late?

The one snuck backstage at a concert and got her friend a signed

CD. That's nice.

Gate 42. I bet it holds the answers. Exposition dialogue shows

that backstage girl is getting married. Other girl is maid of honor

Then there is a phone call to show Other Girl's dad is a pilot.

The pilot seems sick. "Head cold." He mentions that dogs in his

neighborhood are sick. Ooo Eee...cut to the captain of the flight

talking to Jenny, aka Maid of Honor AKA other girl. She then

goes to meet George. Some kid travelling by himself. He 'knows

the drill' of being the alone-in-flight kid. "I can take care of

myself." Sure, kid.

Cut to an older man in a wheelchair being brought onboard. with

his wife. "He can hear you, but he can't speak...Parkinson."

Awww.

Hello Cliche Fat Guy cracking jokes about the weight of the

plane now that he has entered. "What's a fella gotta do to get a

beer around here?"

Captain notices other pilot's headcold. We randomly meet TBGal by

complimenting her nails. Then some teacher with hampsters. They

try to push the animals into an overhead compartments. One of them

bites the fat guy...please be Zombie Hamsters. Teacher is

apparently attractive because the two stewardesses share a line

about him. Hello Token Black Guy. We just cut around showing

other passengers who should probably be named "Fodder"

Take-off. Fatty has to turn off his cell. TBGuy sneezes. So...

Who will turn first? I'm going pilot. Anyway, a couple passengers

are nervous. Flying and all. Kid yawns cause it's 2nd nature to

him. Random Guy rubs his Random Gal's belly to confirm a Random

Baby that's most likely not going to make it to the world.

"You are now free to move about the cabin..." And everyone pops

out electronics. The kid has a PSP. Says he's going to be picked

up by his "Smother. Step Mother."

Later. Night. Nervous TBGal is Nervous. Hasn't seen her husband in

over a year. Random Guy is ripping someone over the phone and gets

confronted for using the thing. Teacher helps the Stewardess and

then flirts with her. She doesn't really appreciate it, but then

starts acting sweet. I guess cause he's attractive. I don't get it

There's another Random Couple. I'll call them Horny Fodder. Guess

what they're doing? No, they aren't in the bathroom going for Mile

High yet. It's most likely coming, though...

Cut to an old woman with a cat that "never leaves the apartment

building." I enjoy that they're building all these red herrings...

unless they all work, which would be hilarious, too.

Stewardess discuss teacger, again. Fat Guy asks for water.

Breathing heavy. Looks at his hampster bite. HAMSTER

ZOMBIES YES

"I Can Take Care of Myself" kid gets a pop. They write off Fatty

as just drunk. The Teacher is watching a news report on the place

from the first movie. Fatty is getting worse.

Jenny goes to check on him. Then throws up on her. "Stop the plane

and let me off!" We get reaction shots from the other passengers.

Backstage Girl is helping Fatty as the old lady's cat licks up his

vomit. Jenny cleans up real quick. Lets her hair down...

Fatty rages. Rushes to the cockpit."I Can Handle Myself" Kid goes

for a rear naked choke. That fails. Seeing this, a few other

passengers jump up to help. One Jerk is told to help but won't so

that later we'll be happy at the death he has.

Dude, did someone just curb stomp Fatty?...AWESOME.

In the cockpit, head cold kept the captain alert to what was

happening. Nervous TBGal is apparently a medic and checks on the

kid, who may have a concussion. Teacher volunteers to help, but

we know it's his evil hampsters that caused this...hey, where's

that cat?

Jenny and her friend have a private chat. Jenny freaking out about

how she didn't do anything right. Captain interrupts this to alert

them of an emergency landing. It's bumpy. Where's the daggone cat?

In the Horror Closet?

Bumpy, bumpy. Fatty slides and hits his head. Ha? The stewardesses

work to strap him in. Backstage girl gets bit. Uh-oh. Big guy is

roaring like a shark out for revenge. Couple guys force him into

the bathroom. They land.

Horny Couple's Guy is recording this on a camcorder. Control is

telling them to hold position on the ground. Captain is an old

guard guy, so he barks back and takes a spot.

When they open the door, a worker is yelling at them for being

in the work place. Like they care. Sadly, no one is helping the

old paralyzed man so his wife stays behind with him. They go to a

door but it's locked. So worker takes them a different path. Jenny

goes to see how the pilots are. They're hold Fatty at bay, tell

her to go on. So...she does. Uh...okay?

"I can handle myself" kid takes a look at the video game style

platforming location that we'll probably see taken advantage of

later on. Bit girl hasn't talked since. Worker is leading them to

"Tarmac" level. I don't know airplane lingo. More looking around.

Worker gets to the door...Locked. "This has never been locked

before." He starts looking around at other doors. Metal lifts.

Nothing opens. No codes working. They're on Lock Down.

"You ever hear of terrorism?" They're not going anywhere. "This is

not okay." Good dialogue Ms Obvious. So everyone yells at each

other under Medic quiets them down...by shouting "Quiet." Okay?

Sirens. The Kid starts platforming. Cops, Cops, Cops, Fire engines

fire engines, helicopters. "Attention...Do Not Attempt to Leave.

Help is on the way...You are now under Quarantine." And the window

they're looking out gets blocked off.

Everyone gets on their cell phones. Jenny calls her pilot daddy

and leaves a message begging him to call her back and tell her

what to do. Worker called 911. They haven't heard about this.

Another noise. They're lighting up the area. Everyone starts

harassing Jenny as if she knows what is going on. "Just go fetch

the captain, honey." So she asks the Worker for help getting

back to the plane.

He alerts us that he has a 3year old daughter ensuring a death in

his future. Other people say they'll go...mainly for selfish

reasoning. Daggone it. Where is the cat?

Power gets shut off. Oh good, it looks like they want the non-

infected people to have absolutely no chance whatsoever. Again,

no one trust the teacher with the demented Zombie Hamsters.

Some emergency lights on. They make it back to the plane. More

locked doors. Inside...the plane appears empty. Why are my cat

senses tingling? Jenny is scared. Red and blue lights running down

the cabin to build tension. Worker walks in with a flashlight.

Jerk who didn't help barges in. "This is a mess man!" She opens

the bathroom and...there's blood but nothing else. TBGuy wants his

laptop. They look around and pick up some flares. The Parkinson's

guy is still around. Looks down to try and give warning to

something. Maybe the cat took everyone down.

They search. There are 5 of them (minus the man who can't move).

Worker drops into the baggage hold to find the medic's bags. Jerk

comes as well...to find his own bag. The teacher comes down to and

we see a mutant hampster running about. Oh noez. They find the

empty container for the hampsters but teacher isn't concerned.

Jerk's suitcase had a gun in it. A hamster rage attacks the worker

who takes a golf club to it...who brought a golf club?!

Jenny climbs back up first. Sees a bloody laptop. Oh no. Token

Black Guy?! She looks down the aisle and we see headcold crawling

around and snarling. She turns and Infected Captain grabs her.

Worker hops up and battles the infected guy until Jerk shoots him.

The infected guy that is. Bullet doesn't go through thankfully.

We hear a voice over outside alerting people there is a gun inside

the building. They find Token Black Guy. Guess what. He's dead.

They help the paralyzed man into a wheelchair and push him away.

Jenny finds the old woman. "He-l-l-l-l-l-lp me!" And then she rage

charges. So they lock her in a room and try to retreat back to the

others. Which they do.

Hey, the cat lady has the cat. We hear that Jerk got blood on his

face. Nice way to get infected. Medic works on Backstage Girl.Jerk

reveals that he doesn't just have a gun but extra ammo.

Jenny's dad called and said to "Take the stick..." and then all

the cell phones died. She reveals he taught her to fly but she was

too afraid to do it herself...so one day he just let go and told

her to "Take the stick." Sounds like a jerk to me.

So she walks around inspecting weird noises alone like a genius

and finds some blood. Doesn't immediately turn and run. Anyway,

Worker and Teacher have barricaded the woman. Jenny goes to talk

to the crowd and they rabble until Medic tells them to shut up.

She has the power.

"You ask me it looked like some sort of ****ed up rabies." Thanks

worker.

Oh no. Poor wheelchair guy sees a Zombie Hampster and tries to

get attention. Awww. They argue as he stares and tries to groan.

The kid sees the giant rat just as it jumps and bites the poor

man. Daggone it.

For their safety, they load him into a place and lock it. Turns

out the rat is a labrat. The kid points out the teacher brought

the animals onto the plane. They're not Zombie Hampster. They're

Zombie Rats. The teacher tries to explain to Jenny.

"You can't bring labrats...I never would've made it through

security." She instantly buys that. Oh, Jenny...he hugs her just

in time for Fatty to reappear with a rage charge. Where the heck

have you been?!

So they wrap a cord around his neck and group hang him. That works

I suppose. Worker gets a call telling him the CDC is coming in.

The kid goes to Jenny and tells her the teacher is lying.

"You believe him cause you like him." Smart kid.

Enter the CDC with blinding white light...and guns. The one guy

who has been recording stuff is told to turn it off. They take

the Jerk's gun. Because they're too dumb to calmly ask the others

what is happening, they instead order the bitten people to be

unlocked and taken out. I'm sure this will end well.

"You've been exposed, but we don't know if you're infected."

"EVERYTHING. WILL. BE. EXPLAINED!" ~ Repeated line. They're told

to "take the protocol." Cat Lady agrees. IS HOLDING THE CAT!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YES! CAT BIT HER!

"THE CAT IS INFECTED!"

They unleash a hail of gunfire at the cat, which somehow causes the

paralyzed man to realize "Dude, I can walk now!" and attack.

He gets filled with bullets afterwards. The CDC guys try to leave,

but are locked in. They have automatic weapons so they shoot the

door open. Camera Guy (Alias Horny Guy) rushes out with them and

they're all gunned down. Bummer dude.

They pull in a wounded CDC guy. A wail is heard in the darkness.

Also, Jerk is infected (blood to face earlier) so we get a quick

cut to black. Everyone non-infected locked in a truck. Okay. 3rd

Act, here we go.

"Each cartridge had it's own color!"

CBDT. Chemical Biological Domestic Terrorism. So the wounded guy

gives us backstory and recaps the first movie. "Rats are the

carrier." Uh-oh, Teach. Anyway, CBDT guy tells them they won't be

leaving, then steals a gun and blows his head off.

So people start breaking down. Worker recalls that there is a

flood tunnel they might be able to use. Nice time to remember that.

Are you related to a forgetful landlord by chance? As he goes to tell them

directions he is conviently attacked by HeadCold Infected. So they

are slightly delayed while killing that guy.

Afterwards, everyone leaves the big container and Worker starts to

lead them to the tunnel. Seriously, HeadCold was just a filler

jumpscare before the next logical step.

As they go, they realize is Henry is missing, then one of the

fodder characters gets got. We cut to Henry (Teacher) locking and

loading. Meanwhile, the group is moving forward and run into

Backstage Infected. Jenny and her have a brief confrontation

before Infected is knocked off a scaffold to the ground, dead on

impact. Awww...I guess.

Worker continues to lead the way and this reminds me of the

fireman from the first movie meaning this guy probably dies just

before they get where they're going. I could be wrong, but I'm

filling time while they look for maps or junk.

Kid stole Teacher's bags and shows that he intentionally brought

the infected rats on board. This isn't really much of a shocker.

I'm guessing most viewers were waiting for the nice guy who 'made

a mistake' to be revealed as the villain.

Worker explains their route, thus making him useless. Infected

people swarm but Teacher arrives and shoots Jerk Infected and

Fodder Infected. Not sure about Cat Infected, but I heard a meow.

Not Teacher tells Kid to give him a box. Kid opens it and looks at

a bottle. "That's the antidote, right?"

Worker charges NotTeacher and gets a bullet. Yeah...there you go.

So, NotTeacher takes the antidote. "How'd you get that through

security?" "The same way I got my rats through...friends."

What a nice non-answer that is.

He's heading to Kansas City and continues to talk about spreading

the plague for the good of humanity. He explains what he's doing

as he does it.

Kid: "What is that?"

Not Teacher: "You're a smart kid."

Huh?!

So, NotTeacher gets to dialogue on how gov't is bad. "Earth could

use a good plague." He then injects himself in the eye with the

antidote while Medic, Kid, and Jenny (The only ones left) just stand

there and watch.

NotTeacher takes the kid as a hostage. The girls split up.

Token Black Infected arrives and chases after Jenny. They run

around for a bit until she gets him into a position to drop

something heavy on him a couple times. Thanks for getting rid of

that plot hole, movie.

So, Jenny continues on and finds another Fodder Infected who bends

over backwards for no legit reason. Medic jump scares Jenny to

show that she found a special seeing device. Thermal vision. So

Jenny puts it on and we see that Medic got bit off screen.

With that, Medic goes to die heroically or something. It's not like

she just saw a guy who had an antidote AND used it in front of her so

she'd know how to give it. Oh well, the script is out of lines for her.

So she calls out to the infected and gets swarmed by 4 immediately.

Great plan you idiot. Didn't even try and run. With those four now

in the general area of Jenny, she decides to leave and chase after

NotTeacher & Kid.

Seriously, why did Medic give up when she KNEW there was an

antidote with the person she was chasing? Anyway, as Jenny moves

forward, she finds mice. "Just mice." She continues following a path.

Really though, what kind of plan is shouting "COME AND GET ME!"

and then standing there until they do? Daggone it, climb some

steps, yell, and run away.

Anyway, Jenny finds Kid. "It didn't work! Don't come down here!"

He begs her not to come down, but she does. She gets attacked by

NotTeacher Infected and her Thermal thing is knocked off so we

can get shots of the struggle in Thermal vision. The Kid throws

on the vision, finds a gun, and shoots NotTeacher in the chest

Nice shot.

"DID YOU GET HIM!?!" Poor Jenny. He gives her the vision so she

can see him. He's still moving, so she grabs something heavy and

bashes him up. They check and neither were bitten.

The Kid goes to explain what happened, but suddenly, the Terminal

is exploding. They really don't want people getting out, huh?

"We're not going to get out of here...I just want to go home!" Uh,

Kid, it's not time to be an idiot. She gives the kid the vision

thing and puts him in a tunnel that she had to break open. She

follows behind him. So we get the vision in the tunnel. Sounds of

more explosions. And they crawl...they crawl and crawl and crawl.

They just crawl...and Jenny gets tired. And breathing heavily.

Then the kid looks back and sees that she was bit on the stomach.

Uh...oh... She starts showing the signs, "I'm infected. Keep

going." The Kid decides to start being stupid and instead of

trying to run stays behind to shout "I'm not leaving you! You

won't hurt me!" Movie, this is taking too long to get to a now

ridiculously obvious end.

So they crawl..and crawl and crawl and craaaaaaaaaaaaawl. And they

get to a way out. Gee, I wonder what happens now? "Jenny! We made

it!" He squeezes out of a...I don't even know. Shouts back for

Jenny to follow. "I'm not leaving without you!" And Jenny attacks.

DUH.

She grabs his hoodie but that's it. Thus the kid walks away, looks back

at an offscreen smoldering terminal, and continues walking.

Then, we cut to Thermal Vision and show that the Cat made it.

YAY, CAT! Wait...

THE END.

~~~~~

This movie is a lot like the people who get infected during its runtime. Fine for about 30 minutes, starts to show signs of problems, and completely falls apart into a mess at the end. The 3rd act doesn't feel like a finish as much as a patch job. As if the writers went

"Wait, the one guy was shown dead, but never seen again. Someone will totally mention that on IMDB. We got to have him randomly attack her."

"Great idea. That'll fill another 45 seconds at least."

And then they went "Heck with it, just have an explosion. That'll answer their stupid questions."

The best part of this film was the beginning as they built to the actual introduction of the infection. People sneezing. A pilot taking medicine for a sudden "headcold." An older man suffering from a disease (Let's be honest, it could be the old woman infecting the man who couldn't tell anyone. If it can be the teacher, it can be anyone). A fat man who has had "one too many." A doctor with hamsters. So many possible options that the suspense building to the inevitable was rather fun.

I guess I'm saying is that the actual plot hurt the movie. Oh well.

Grade: C-. Worth a watch if you enjoyed the remake (which, in admission...I didn't.). The beginning is really well done but everything after that is sloppy cliche with an ending that tries to twist things up, but mostly recreates the 1st movie (No, really. You suddenly remember a hidden/forgotten tunnel under the area you're locked in?) before throwing out a sequel tease.

So until next time...Can we get a movie with some ZOMBIE HAMSTERS!?

DC Reviews: Mask Maker

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A cliche set-up as a group of college students go to an abandoned house and run into the resident killer. Is it as bad as similar films?

Disturbingly Cheap Reviews: Suburban Knights

Welcome to Disturbingly Cheap Reviews.

This week we take an experimental approach by going textual (it’s not like my voice is that riveting anyway) while taking a look at the direct-to-internet seven-part ThatGuyWithTheGlasses film, Suburban Knights. This ‘film’ is featuring a slew of the site’s contributors and is the third anniversary creation with the intention of bringing light to lesser known reviewers while providing comedy for the dedicated fans.

In it, The Nostalgia Critic tricks his compadres into coming to a location with the promise of a prize but instead greets them with the surprise of a mandatory search for an ancient glove. Of course, there isn’t much arm twisting after he reveals the glove is worth fortunes. However, for comedic purposes, they are told the only way to complete their quest is dressing and acting like famous fantasy characters.

After splitting into two groups since there is a double digit amount of people, both teams face obstacles such as cloaked figures or a very angry cat puppet. All the while, they are constantly being watched by a technology hating mysteriously magic powered foe who wants the prize for much more nefarious means than money.

One thing constantly catching my attention was how most scenes felt more like sketches. It was if the characters weren’t moving from moment to moment but instead from joke to joke with no real flow; along the lines of the much maligned Date/Epic/Disaster Movie series that is often fodder for the reviewers involved.

This movie also has my pet peeve, the shaking camera. Whenever a walking conversation is needed, the camera man seems to think his equipment is actually a magic 8-ball which was personally distracting. It actually caused me to look away at times in order to listen to the dialogue.

Story wise, this is a more advanced plot than last years “take over a place, turn against each other, lose control of place.” It shows good effort but drags in the middle as the plot is pushed to the side for silly play fighting scenes filled with hit-or-mostly-miss gags. However, when the story does pick back up again (somewhere in the middle of Part 5 if you’re curious) it builds well to the ending before delivering a very foreshadowed, predictable finale that felt more bland than ‘epic.’

So, in all, the movie has various problems on a technical side that can distract a viewer, is way too long for what is presented, provides humor with some jokes overstaying their welcome, flounders in the middle, picks up near the end, and sputters to a predictable finish. Therefore ThatGuywithTheGlasses’ Suburban Knights earns…

GRADE: D

I don’t want to individually name names and give my opinion on efforts, but I’d be amiss without mentioning a couple performers who were consistently entertaining to me: The Cinema Snob, whose Indiana Jones character was really well acted, and Todd in the Shadows, who provided good one liners throughout.

The unique thing about reviewing this work is that the majority of those interested will have already watched it by the time this comes out and those uninterested have really no reason to suddenly care. Perhaps the most obvious observation I can make is those who have never seen a “ThatGuy” reviewer before needs to avoid this film since it’s definitely not for them. Even if you are a ThatGuy fan who waited until the entire project was released and still haven’t watched, my review probably won’t deter you. Perhaps that is why I’ve chosen to write this one out, in order to go more indepth than a typical 4 minute review but not bore (Well…I tried not to bore) those who have already made up their minds.

With that last thought, I thank you for reading the review as I now move into the Spoilers.

Spoilers After The Not-So-Disturbingly-Cheap (Or Maybe So) Trailer:

Throughout the adventure it is revealed that the villains Black Attired Guy is actually Malachite, the former owner of the powerful glove, who wants to destroy the world because of his hatred for technology. A long story short, at the end, he gets it (Unsurprisingly, it ends up being a Nintendo “Power Glove” to squeeze in that reference) and uses his powers to rough up the ThatGuy crew. During this, however, is a completely unnecessary joke revealing that he is a hypocrite by having him get a phone call (on an I-Phone). After spending the early parts of the movie having this character kill numerous technology users, the revelation was not as much funny as oddly thrown in. It’s a punchline to a joke I didn’t realize was being told.

To get back on track, things are starting to look bad for the ThatGuy crew (and I suppose the world in general). Gandalf dressed Spoony (Spoondalf?) is flung around the world. Angry Joe’s unlimited supply of ammo is blocked via Malachite’s Wonder Woman inspired spinning staff. Nostalgia Chick’s cleavage is ignored. Everything is going wrong.

Finally, the running joke character Ma-Ti (from Captain Planet) arrives and throws a fit about how he has been shrugged off the entire time. He confronts the Big Bad, discovering his usually worthless ring is actually the passed-through-time jewel made to battle Malachite. Convienently predictable. So they have a low-budget special effects battle ending with the Big Bad being blown away and Ma-Ti dying from his wounds, a hero. “How hilarious,” you might be thinking, but they do try and shove some jokes into the situation before giving him a Spock-Style funeral.

With the world somehow saved, the film ends by completing a running joke of comic reviewer Linkara wanting to sing a song and the Nostalgia Critic setting up a possible future video finding the Necronomican to resurrect the fallen Ma-Ti. They should look up the local “Pet Semetary” if you ask me.

And that completes my thoughts on Suburban Knights. It’s far from spectacular and being two hours is rather absurd.

So until next time…Forced Reference!

The Hitch-Hiker

Seeing as my blog is called "Entering the Public Domain" for the reviewing I was doing for a while, I figured I should try and put some actual Public Domain entertainment on here from time to time.

The Plot: Two men on a fishing trip to Mexico see a man stranded on the road and offer him a ride to the nearest town. This man just happens to be Emmett Myers, the serial killing hitch-hiker that has been knocking off drivers for quite some time. Now the two friends must try to find a way to escape before it's too late.

So, this is a PD film that was selected for preservation in the United States National Film Registry back in 1998, showing that just because it's free doesn't mean it's bad. I really enjoyed this one when I watched it, even if there are a few spots viewers may find slow and the occasional questionable decision from the Hitch-hiker.

If you take the time to watch, I hope you enjoy.