So...I decided to do some end of the year lists like other people on the internet and found out just how cheap/resistant to going out I am.
TOP TEN 2011 MOVIES VIEWED IN THEATERS
1. Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows
2. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
3. N/A
4. N/A
5. N/A
6. N/A
7. N/A
8. N/A
9. N/A
10. N/A
TOP TEN 2011 VIDEO GAMES PLAYED
1. Batman: Arkham City
2. WWE All Stars
3. Mortal Kombat
4. Back to the Future: Episode 1 (Received for Free; Not the Entire Game)
5. N/A
6. N/A
7. N/A
8. N/A
9. N/A
10. N/A
Fun Fact: I won Dead Space 2 in a contest and never played it.
TOP TEN DEBUTING TV SHOWS I WATCHED REGULARLY
1. N/A
2. N/A
3. N/A
4. N/A
5. N/A
6. N/A
7. N/A
8. N/A
9. N/A
10. The Exes
TOP TEN 2011 BOOKS READ
1. Cowboys and Aliens: A Movie Novelization
2. N/A
3. N/A
4. N/A.
5. N/A
6. N/A
7. N/A
8. N/A
9. N/A
10. N/A
...So...yeah. I'm looking forward to 2012, aren't you?
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips
And if you enjoy the reviews, you might just enjoy my book:
Friday, December 30, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Triumph of Sherlock Holmes
With a new, modern, ridiculously flashy Sherlock Holmes movie on the way...here's an old fashion Public Domain Holmes.
Give it a shot if you're a fan of mysteries.
Give it a shot if you're a fan of mysteries.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Lost Reviews: Paranoia
So, while doing Disturbingly Cheap Reviews, there have been times that I've watched a film, came up with a script, but not gone through with the actual review. Of course, there is also times I gave up midway through the movie, figuring that if all else fails, I can just pick up a Cuba Gooding Jr. movie.
Therefore, I will occasionally text review "The Lost Reviews" in order for them to find a place on the site. First off, The Cinema Snob's (AKA Brad Jones) latest film Paranoia. Feel free to ignore all reasonings and skip down to the next time that title appears for the actual review.
Why didn't I DC Review it? There are a few reasons.
1. It's a film that is reaching only a niche audience.
2. I didn't purchase/rent the film, instead borrowing it from a dedicated fan. I guess I felt dirty. I'm the Disturbingly Cheap reviewer, not the "Absolutely Free" reviewer. Dumb? I know.
3. Cause I forgot about the script I wrote about it and found it two months later and figured "Oh well."
And now...the actual review:
PARANOIA
Welcome to Disturbingly Cheap Reviews. This week, we double check the locked doors and look under the beds with the low-budget indy-thriller Paranoia.
The plot follows Mark Bishop whose wife has literally just left him. As he mopes, the television tells of a serial killer on the loose and there is a knock at his door. Assuming it's his wife coming back for her forgotten purse, he opens it to find a large man who promptly collapses. A check for a wallet instead finds a bullet wound and a gun. And things only get worse from there.
This is probably the lowest budgeted film I've ever reviewed, knocking off The Maze for that spot. Obviously this leads to issues you wouldn't expect from much larger productions. Acting can be very spotty at time and the occasional effects that can confuse. Maybe it's just me, but a scene where someone covers up blood on the floor with ketchup appeared odd and left me wondering if there was something wrong with the ketchup...which I'm guessing wasn't the point.
The movie has a very interesting story, following Bishop as he tries to figure out just what is going on while attempting to avoid any and all trouble he might get into. Twists upon twists appear with unique ideas presented that may remind someone slightly of the Twilight Zone. However, the ending suffers from being overly wordy for the most part, commonly repeating the twist to the point that I found myself nodding and encouraging it to move on.
Grade: C-.
It works on a basic scale but goes off the rails a bit at the end which will throw some viewers. It's far from the best thing you'll see, even if you scrounge around the no budget films but if you're willing to stick out a few rough spots, you may find yourself enjoying it.
And if you're a Brad Jones fan...then this review doesn't mean a single darn thing.
So until next time, install a peep hole so you don't open your door to a guy who is obviously not your wife.
Therefore, I will occasionally text review "The Lost Reviews" in order for them to find a place on the site. First off, The Cinema Snob's (AKA Brad Jones) latest film Paranoia. Feel free to ignore all reasonings and skip down to the next time that title appears for the actual review.
Why didn't I DC Review it? There are a few reasons.
1. It's a film that is reaching only a niche audience.
2. I didn't purchase/rent the film, instead borrowing it from a dedicated fan. I guess I felt dirty. I'm the Disturbingly Cheap reviewer, not the "Absolutely Free" reviewer. Dumb? I know.
3. Cause I forgot about the script I wrote about it and found it two months later and figured "Oh well."
And now...the actual review:
PARANOIA
Welcome to Disturbingly Cheap Reviews. This week, we double check the locked doors and look under the beds with the low-budget indy-thriller Paranoia.
The plot follows Mark Bishop whose wife has literally just left him. As he mopes, the television tells of a serial killer on the loose and there is a knock at his door. Assuming it's his wife coming back for her forgotten purse, he opens it to find a large man who promptly collapses. A check for a wallet instead finds a bullet wound and a gun. And things only get worse from there.
This is probably the lowest budgeted film I've ever reviewed, knocking off The Maze for that spot. Obviously this leads to issues you wouldn't expect from much larger productions. Acting can be very spotty at time and the occasional effects that can confuse. Maybe it's just me, but a scene where someone covers up blood on the floor with ketchup appeared odd and left me wondering if there was something wrong with the ketchup...which I'm guessing wasn't the point.
The movie has a very interesting story, following Bishop as he tries to figure out just what is going on while attempting to avoid any and all trouble he might get into. Twists upon twists appear with unique ideas presented that may remind someone slightly of the Twilight Zone. However, the ending suffers from being overly wordy for the most part, commonly repeating the twist to the point that I found myself nodding and encouraging it to move on.
Grade: C-.
It works on a basic scale but goes off the rails a bit at the end which will throw some viewers. It's far from the best thing you'll see, even if you scrounge around the no budget films but if you're willing to stick out a few rough spots, you may find yourself enjoying it.
And if you're a Brad Jones fan...then this review doesn't mean a single darn thing.
So until next time, install a peep hole so you don't open your door to a guy who is obviously not your wife.
Hey Shawn, Where you been?!
Hi all....five of you.
You may have noticed that I haven't been updating for a while. Well, to go into some detail, life has been extra rushed lately.
I already work over 70 hours a week with my part time jobs, usually using my breaks between work for review time. Those hours have been filled by a combination of family members going in and out of the hospital and requiring extra help, preparation for the holidays, and lack of free space to do recordings without feeling like I'm annoying those I share my home with. Also, a slight burnout, I suppose.
But, fear not you enjoyers of Disturbingly Cheap Reviews, The Seemingly Abandoned Entering the Public Domain, and Random Text Reviews and Rants, I do plan on getting back to work very, very soon (hopefully having a new review by the end of the week...Hopefully).
What I'm mainly focused on is getting more active next year with more projects than just DC Reviews to avoid repetition burnout.
Thank you for your patience and I wish you a good day.
Shawn DC
No1ThatSpecial
You may have noticed that I haven't been updating for a while. Well, to go into some detail, life has been extra rushed lately.
I already work over 70 hours a week with my part time jobs, usually using my breaks between work for review time. Those hours have been filled by a combination of family members going in and out of the hospital and requiring extra help, preparation for the holidays, and lack of free space to do recordings without feeling like I'm annoying those I share my home with. Also, a slight burnout, I suppose.
But, fear not you enjoyers of Disturbingly Cheap Reviews, The Seemingly Abandoned Entering the Public Domain, and Random Text Reviews and Rants, I do plan on getting back to work very, very soon (hopefully having a new review by the end of the week...Hopefully).
What I'm mainly focused on is getting more active next year with more projects than just DC Reviews to avoid repetition burnout.
Thank you for your patience and I wish you a good day.
Shawn DC
No1ThatSpecial
Monday, November 14, 2011
DC Reviews: A Haunting in Salem
Realizing that I can't get Blip to auto-add my videos to the blog, here's the latest review:
The Asylum presents a haunted house movie featuring a witch-ghost. Can you (or I) stand it?!
The Asylum presents a haunted house movie featuring a witch-ghost. Can you (or I) stand it?!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
DC Reviews: Wrong Turn 4 - Bloody Beginnings
A prequel...to Wrong Turn. Completely necessary. Ever wanted to hear me get to a near whine over a movie? Here you go.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween!
SILVER SHAMROCK!
I've been preparing for the hour and a half regulated Trick 'r Treating that the town council so humbling allowed and would like to fill in a couple blank spots on my Horror-a-Day Reviews.
Day 26
Movie: Halloween 3
Recap: SILVER SHAMROCK! The infamous Michael-less Halloween film that revolves around an evil mask maker with a stolen piece of Stonehenge looking to kill kids with his evil masks. It's ridiculous, it's preposterous, it's a darn fun watch every time. Not for everyone, but definitely for me.
Grade: B. It's good fun as long as you're not expecting Michael Myers. Pure enjoyable cheese.
Day 27
Movie: The Hills Have Eyes
Recap: I revisited the original Wes Craven film of a vacationing family tortured and attacked by a band of mutants. The film that helped launch B-Movie Legend Michael Berryman's career. Still as gritty as it was before. And one of the horror films where the most likable character is the dog. Go Beast.
Grade: B+. Wes Craven used to have it...now he has Scream 4.
Day 28
Movie: Vacancy
Recap: I originally planned to watch 28 Days Later for the sheer pun of it...but I didn't. So instead, we follow the unlikable couple of Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale as their car breaks down. Left with few options they walk to a nearby hotel and soon discover that it those in charge enjoy filming the rooms. No, not to catch the couples making love, but to catch all the footage of when they break in and kill them. Not wanting to die and all, Luke and Kate look to escape. It's trying to be a thriller in lines of Alfred Hitchcock but misses the mark at times.
Grade: B-. Worthy of a view if it sounds interesting, but don't expect to be blown away.
I've been preparing for the hour and a half regulated Trick 'r Treating that the town council so humbling allowed and would like to fill in a couple blank spots on my Horror-a-Day Reviews.
Day 26
Movie: Halloween 3
Recap: SILVER SHAMROCK! The infamous Michael-less Halloween film that revolves around an evil mask maker with a stolen piece of Stonehenge looking to kill kids with his evil masks. It's ridiculous, it's preposterous, it's a darn fun watch every time. Not for everyone, but definitely for me.
Grade: B. It's good fun as long as you're not expecting Michael Myers. Pure enjoyable cheese.
Day 27
Movie: The Hills Have Eyes
Recap: I revisited the original Wes Craven film of a vacationing family tortured and attacked by a band of mutants. The film that helped launch B-Movie Legend Michael Berryman's career. Still as gritty as it was before. And one of the horror films where the most likable character is the dog. Go Beast.
Grade: B+. Wes Craven used to have it...now he has Scream 4.
Day 28
Movie: Vacancy
Recap: I originally planned to watch 28 Days Later for the sheer pun of it...but I didn't. So instead, we follow the unlikable couple of Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale as their car breaks down. Left with few options they walk to a nearby hotel and soon discover that it those in charge enjoy filming the rooms. No, not to catch the couples making love, but to catch all the footage of when they break in and kill them. Not wanting to die and all, Luke and Kate look to escape. It's trying to be a thriller in lines of Alfred Hitchcock but misses the mark at times.
Grade: B-. Worthy of a view if it sounds interesting, but don't expect to be blown away.
Friday, October 28, 2011
DC Reviews: Hellraiser Revelations
Hellraiser Direct to DVD sequel that will baffle you with its existence until I whine about it in the video above this...or if you look it up somewhere else.
Day 29. Yeah, I know. I'm 26, 27, and 28 behind.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
DC Reviews: The Howling - Reborn
Because if anything needed a reboot, it was The Howling. And the best way to do that reboot was to rip-off a current fad that involves sparkling vampires...but leave out the vampires.
Also, Day 25 review
Monday, October 24, 2011
Horror-a-Day Catch-up Post-Extravaganza Jr.
10/15
Movie: Tales From the Darkside: The Movie
Recap: Anthology film consisting of three stories told by a child trying to delay a witch from preparing him for a dinner.
"Lot 249" stars Steve Buscemi as a pesky nerd who imports an Egyptian Mummy in order to get revenge on a group of people including Christian Slater. It's quirky and has some good moments (especially with Slater's battle with the mummy) with a hit-or-miss ending.
"Cat From Hell" consists of an older man hiring a hitman to eliminate the title animal. It does not go as easily as the hitman expects. This one's ending is a head tilt-er. Not for a twist, just for the way the final hitman vs. cat confrontation goes.
"Lover's Vow" A man sees a gargoyle creature killing someone. It makes him promise to not tell, vowing to come back and kill him if he spills the beans towards its existence. The man soon finds true love and, over the years, debates on whether to share the information with her. It's...kind of dumb, in all honesty.
"Epilogue." The story connecting the anthology tales ends cute enough.
I'd recommend Tales From the Darkside: The Movie for at least one viewing.
Grade: B-
10/16
Movie: Lake Placid
Recap: A Horror-Comedy dealing around a select group of unique characters dealing with the sudden discovery of a 30-foot, man-chomping crocodile in Maine.
This film really clicked for me. It's got a good feel of a comedy with dashes of effective horror and a jumpscare that was actually enjoyable instead of eye-rolling. Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda play the "Duo that is Destined to Fall in Love" over the film very well. Meanwhile, the movie throws in a buddy duo of Oliver Platt and Brendan Gleeson as a wacky animal hunter and local 'hick' sheriff. Betty White plays a small role of a dirty mouthed local that is rather amusing.
So, yes, I'd say the characters really make this one with the croc only being a part of the ideal...which is probably why the direct-to-SyFy sequels were dreadful beyond compare.
I'd definitely recommend it.
Grade: B+
10/17
Movie: From Dusk Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money
Recap: Vampires robbing a bank. This film typically gets mis-advertised. The TV blurb for it says it follows "Bank Robbers who stumble upon a bar full of vampires" when in reality, only one of the robbers does so, gets bit, and then goes back to his group to push for the robbery to be at night. Also, the description says the film stars Bruce Campbell and Tiffany Thiessen who are barely in the film for a minute. (Actually, on some old VHS covers, the movie claims Thiessen is the Queen Vampire which is downright ridiculous).
Needless off-side banter aside, this film is a profane thrill ride of goofy. Robert Patrick is downright awesome throughout, even if the film seems to just run out of ideas near the end. There are amusing parts and some fun lines, but the movie iss lacking in some areas. It's definitely a step down from the original, but it's not horrible.
Also, I enjoyed the brief Danny Trejo cameo because...well...Danny Trejo.
Give it a watch if you have spare time and it's on TV.
Grade: C+
10/18
Movie: Code Red -- The Rubicon Conspiracy
Recap: Made-for-TV Predator rip-off. This films hits all the typical scenes you'd expect and is very by-the-numbers. Sadly,that also means it is a bland film that isn't really worthy of a view.
There is one unique moment, as the leftover group finds a bunker and has to try and hack into a 1960s computer, complete with dumb references abound.
Only if you're a big Predator fan do I recommend this one.
Grade: D+
10/19
Movie: Abominable
Recap: Rear Window with a Sasquatch. An injured man lives in a cabin deep in the woods. However, there is another one near by and a group of vacationing girls move in just as the local giant Abominable Snowman decides to pick up some humans for a snack.
This one works in spots, but the ending is a dull cliche that takes away from other parts. Lance Henriksen is in the film and brings his usual ability to a small role but he's not around long enough to consider a full-fledged recommendation.
If you see it on SyFy, it's not too bad.
Grade: C
10/20
Movie: The Dentist
Recap: A dentist goes crazy after discovering his wife's infidelity and garners revenge the best way he knows how. If you hate the dentist, this film won't help you. If you hate violence to teeth...this film won't help you. Corbin Bernsen is great as the flipping out dentist and is intimidating when having 'clients' prepared for surgery.
The teeth violence seems rather real and even made me a bit squeamish. Among all this, however, is some kind of awkward dark humor. Not sure it really works all the time.
If you think you can stand it, try it. You've got nothing to lose...except a molar or two.
Grade: C+
10/21
Movie: Route 666
Recap: Ghost Chain Gang Workers pound the pavement with the flesh of those dumb enough to stay on the road. Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty star in this film and work well off each other for the most part.
I think the main issue is that the writer was trying way too hard. Consider when dialogue like this exists:
"I don't care if you're ****ing Santa Claus!"
"Well, hopefully Mrs. Claus is the only one doing that."
It's not a good film, but if you're a LDP fan, you should be good to go. It's a fun b-movie at the very least.
Grade: C
10/22
Movie: Deep Rising
Recap: Horror Comedy Action film where a boatload of mercs and an unlucky ship owner end up battling against giant evil CGI sea worms. Treat Williams is a lot of fun in this Steven Sommers film.
There is a decent mixture of action and comedy to match the tension built horror parts. In all honesty, this thing was more action than horror, but I still enjoyed it.
Not recommended for Halloween viewing, but worth a view down the road.
Grade: B
10/23
Movie: Friday the 13th (Remake)
Recap: It's Jason Voorhees and he's got a very cliche set-up that the makers were hoping you'd enjoy. This is all about rebooting the franchise with a quicker, smarter Jason who apparently is really good at running around tunnels.
This movie tries really hard to capture the 'aura' of the earlier films while throwing all the nostalgic stuff they could at the camera. Jason with a machete? Yep. Jason finds his hockey mask? You betcha. Nudity? Very much so. Even more nudity? Of course? A sex scene that goes on so long you begin to wonder if the film qualifies as part softcore? Duh.
It didn't click with me, but it might with others. I might have just advanced past the point where a new "Friday" movie entertains me.
Grade: C-
10/24
Movie: FearDotCom
Recap: A ghost who apparently rented The Ring has a website that will kill you in two days unless you can win a game or some such nonsense. This film is just a mess from start to finish.
Nothing really likable about anyone in it. Nothing really intersting about the plot. Nothing intimidating about the serial killer. Nothing spooky about the ghost or its tactics.
So, to summarize: Nothing really worth watching.
Grade: F
Movie: Tales From the Darkside: The Movie
Recap: Anthology film consisting of three stories told by a child trying to delay a witch from preparing him for a dinner.
"Lot 249" stars Steve Buscemi as a pesky nerd who imports an Egyptian Mummy in order to get revenge on a group of people including Christian Slater. It's quirky and has some good moments (especially with Slater's battle with the mummy) with a hit-or-miss ending.
"Cat From Hell" consists of an older man hiring a hitman to eliminate the title animal. It does not go as easily as the hitman expects. This one's ending is a head tilt-er. Not for a twist, just for the way the final hitman vs. cat confrontation goes.
"Lover's Vow" A man sees a gargoyle creature killing someone. It makes him promise to not tell, vowing to come back and kill him if he spills the beans towards its existence. The man soon finds true love and, over the years, debates on whether to share the information with her. It's...kind of dumb, in all honesty.
"Epilogue." The story connecting the anthology tales ends cute enough.
I'd recommend Tales From the Darkside: The Movie for at least one viewing.
Grade: B-
10/16
Movie: Lake Placid
Recap: A Horror-Comedy dealing around a select group of unique characters dealing with the sudden discovery of a 30-foot, man-chomping crocodile in Maine.
This film really clicked for me. It's got a good feel of a comedy with dashes of effective horror and a jumpscare that was actually enjoyable instead of eye-rolling. Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda play the "Duo that is Destined to Fall in Love" over the film very well. Meanwhile, the movie throws in a buddy duo of Oliver Platt and Brendan Gleeson as a wacky animal hunter and local 'hick' sheriff. Betty White plays a small role of a dirty mouthed local that is rather amusing.
So, yes, I'd say the characters really make this one with the croc only being a part of the ideal...which is probably why the direct-to-SyFy sequels were dreadful beyond compare.
I'd definitely recommend it.
Grade: B+
10/17
Movie: From Dusk Til Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money
Recap: Vampires robbing a bank. This film typically gets mis-advertised. The TV blurb for it says it follows "Bank Robbers who stumble upon a bar full of vampires" when in reality, only one of the robbers does so, gets bit, and then goes back to his group to push for the robbery to be at night. Also, the description says the film stars Bruce Campbell and Tiffany Thiessen who are barely in the film for a minute. (Actually, on some old VHS covers, the movie claims Thiessen is the Queen Vampire which is downright ridiculous).
Needless off-side banter aside, this film is a profane thrill ride of goofy. Robert Patrick is downright awesome throughout, even if the film seems to just run out of ideas near the end. There are amusing parts and some fun lines, but the movie iss lacking in some areas. It's definitely a step down from the original, but it's not horrible.
Also, I enjoyed the brief Danny Trejo cameo because...well...Danny Trejo.
Give it a watch if you have spare time and it's on TV.
Grade: C+
10/18
Movie: Code Red -- The Rubicon Conspiracy
Recap: Made-for-TV Predator rip-off. This films hits all the typical scenes you'd expect and is very by-the-numbers. Sadly,that also means it is a bland film that isn't really worthy of a view.
There is one unique moment, as the leftover group finds a bunker and has to try and hack into a 1960s computer, complete with dumb references abound.
Only if you're a big Predator fan do I recommend this one.
Grade: D+
10/19
Movie: Abominable
Recap: Rear Window with a Sasquatch. An injured man lives in a cabin deep in the woods. However, there is another one near by and a group of vacationing girls move in just as the local giant Abominable Snowman decides to pick up some humans for a snack.
This one works in spots, but the ending is a dull cliche that takes away from other parts. Lance Henriksen is in the film and brings his usual ability to a small role but he's not around long enough to consider a full-fledged recommendation.
If you see it on SyFy, it's not too bad.
Grade: C
10/20
Movie: The Dentist
Recap: A dentist goes crazy after discovering his wife's infidelity and garners revenge the best way he knows how. If you hate the dentist, this film won't help you. If you hate violence to teeth...this film won't help you. Corbin Bernsen is great as the flipping out dentist and is intimidating when having 'clients' prepared for surgery.
The teeth violence seems rather real and even made me a bit squeamish. Among all this, however, is some kind of awkward dark humor. Not sure it really works all the time.
If you think you can stand it, try it. You've got nothing to lose...except a molar or two.
Grade: C+
10/21
Movie: Route 666
Recap: Ghost Chain Gang Workers pound the pavement with the flesh of those dumb enough to stay on the road. Lou Diamond Phillips and Lori Petty star in this film and work well off each other for the most part.
I think the main issue is that the writer was trying way too hard. Consider when dialogue like this exists:
"I don't care if you're ****ing Santa Claus!"
"Well, hopefully Mrs. Claus is the only one doing that."
It's not a good film, but if you're a LDP fan, you should be good to go. It's a fun b-movie at the very least.
Grade: C
10/22
Movie: Deep Rising
Recap: Horror Comedy Action film where a boatload of mercs and an unlucky ship owner end up battling against giant evil CGI sea worms. Treat Williams is a lot of fun in this Steven Sommers film.
There is a decent mixture of action and comedy to match the tension built horror parts. In all honesty, this thing was more action than horror, but I still enjoyed it.
Not recommended for Halloween viewing, but worth a view down the road.
Grade: B
10/23
Movie: Friday the 13th (Remake)
Recap: It's Jason Voorhees and he's got a very cliche set-up that the makers were hoping you'd enjoy. This is all about rebooting the franchise with a quicker, smarter Jason who apparently is really good at running around tunnels.
This movie tries really hard to capture the 'aura' of the earlier films while throwing all the nostalgic stuff they could at the camera. Jason with a machete? Yep. Jason finds his hockey mask? You betcha. Nudity? Very much so. Even more nudity? Of course? A sex scene that goes on so long you begin to wonder if the film qualifies as part softcore? Duh.
It didn't click with me, but it might with others. I might have just advanced past the point where a new "Friday" movie entertains me.
Grade: C-
10/24
Movie: FearDotCom
Recap: A ghost who apparently rented The Ring has a website that will kill you in two days unless you can win a game or some such nonsense. This film is just a mess from start to finish.
Nothing really likable about anyone in it. Nothing really intersting about the plot. Nothing intimidating about the serial killer. Nothing spooky about the ghost or its tactics.
So, to summarize: Nothing really worth watching.
Grade: F
Friday, October 14, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 14
Cheating again. Here's Siskel and Ebert's review of Prince of Darkness.
And I completely disagree with both men on this one. Darkness is another John Carpenter cult classic that managed to hold my attention the entire time. The cast works well and the story is well built.
However, it hasn't aged very well which may not please some viewers. Consider that my warning to you. :)
Grade: B
Using other reviews as starting points are great. No wonder that kid from that one Sean Connery movie used the start of one of his essays...Finding Forester, that's it!
And I completely disagree with both men on this one. Darkness is another John Carpenter cult classic that managed to hold my attention the entire time. The cast works well and the story is well built.
However, it hasn't aged very well which may not please some viewers. Consider that my warning to you. :)
Grade: B
Using other reviews as starting points are great. No wonder that kid from that one Sean Connery movie used the start of one of his essays...Finding Forester, that's it!
Horrors of Spider Island...an MST3k-less production
Public Domain. If you've seen the MST3k ep, see how many jokes return to your mind :)
Thursday, October 13, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 13
I cheat today by borrowing a review of Wes Craven's Shocker from an in-prime form Siskel and Ebert.
My opinion on the movie is essentially Siskel's except I didn't see any problem with the blood shown.
Shocker is a neat little flick from Craven that seems to borrow from the pages of Freddy Krueger numerous times (Hey, if you made one, might as well use the playbook to make another).
Grade: B
It's too bad this one didn't catch on well enough for sequels. I enjoyed it and I think, if you're a big fan of the original Nightmare on Elm Street, it could be worth your time for at least a one time viewing.
My opinion on the movie is essentially Siskel's except I didn't see any problem with the blood shown.
Shocker is a neat little flick from Craven that seems to borrow from the pages of Freddy Krueger numerous times (Hey, if you made one, might as well use the playbook to make another).
Grade: B
It's too bad this one didn't catch on well enough for sequels. I enjoyed it and I think, if you're a big fan of the original Nightmare on Elm Street, it could be worth your time for at least a one time viewing.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
No New Horror Movie Review...
So here is Public Domain's masterpiece: Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Ed Wood it up.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
DC Reviews: Creature
It doubles for my movie a day film. Day 11. It's not cheating!
It's my "Special" movie! Why is it special? ...I don't know.
It's my "Special" movie! Why is it special? ...I don't know.
Monday, October 10, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 10
Sure, it's past midnight, but I watched a movie, so this counts, daggone it!
Day 10: One Missed Call (US Remake)
No, I've never seen the original. However, I wouldn't be surprised if...well...we can't act without knowledge, so let's get to the review.
A mash-up of Final Destination and The Ring, One Missed Call has people receive future voicemails revealing the last words they'll say before being murdered...or whatever it is that happens. This is counteractive at points as one person is attacked by a mysterious hand while another has a freak accident hit them with a flying object.
Most attempts to create tension are influenced by CGI shocks, including one especially laughable one including a texting baby demon looking thing-y that didn't emit terror as much as confusion and startled chuckle.
Main character wise, the film is okay. The main girl is a decent character and decently acted, but it's definitely not a big deal as she's not very memorable. Backing her up is our main male who is a detective who detects and sticks around for background information, mostly. He's as bland.
Grade: D+. There are occasional good jumps and the story moves along decent enough. It has it's plan and lays it out...it's just not very exciting or, worst of all, scary.
No spoilers because the twist is kind of "there." So here's an e-book plug instead:
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
Day 10: One Missed Call (US Remake)
No, I've never seen the original. However, I wouldn't be surprised if...well...we can't act without knowledge, so let's get to the review.
A mash-up of Final Destination and The Ring, One Missed Call has people receive future voicemails revealing the last words they'll say before being murdered...or whatever it is that happens. This is counteractive at points as one person is attacked by a mysterious hand while another has a freak accident hit them with a flying object.
Most attempts to create tension are influenced by CGI shocks, including one especially laughable one including a texting baby demon looking thing-y that didn't emit terror as much as confusion and startled chuckle.
Main character wise, the film is okay. The main girl is a decent character and decently acted, but it's definitely not a big deal as she's not very memorable. Backing her up is our main male who is a detective who detects and sticks around for background information, mostly. He's as bland.
Grade: D+. There are occasional good jumps and the story moves along decent enough. It has it's plan and lays it out...it's just not very exciting or, worst of all, scary.
No spoilers because the twist is kind of "there." So here's an e-book plug instead:
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 9
Day 9 is...Not much.
Real life intercepted my plans to watch a horror movie today. I ended up working a weekend shift that knocked out relaxation ideas.
So, here's a quickie review of a film I remember watching from a set amount of time ago:
Ghost Ship sucks. It may have had a point but rewrites destroyed that with ease, apparently. The idea of a ghost ship claiming souls for nefarious reasons is rather ridiculous.
Grade: D-.
It's a laughable horror film that can only be enjoyed with ridicule.
Yeah...that's all I got. I'll get a movie viewed for tomorrow. Promises and stuff.
Real life intercepted my plans to watch a horror movie today. I ended up working a weekend shift that knocked out relaxation ideas.
So, here's a quickie review of a film I remember watching from a set amount of time ago:
Ghost Ship sucks. It may have had a point but rewrites destroyed that with ease, apparently. The idea of a ghost ship claiming souls for nefarious reasons is rather ridiculous.
Grade: D-.
It's a laughable horror film that can only be enjoyed with ridicule.
Yeah...that's all I got. I'll get a movie viewed for tomorrow. Promises and stuff.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 8
Day 8 of October has arrived and...yeah, I'm here again. Here we go:
Day 8: The Hills Run Red
You'd think that with a title like that, the movie would be trying to capitalize on the recent Hills Have Eyes films, but it takes a much different approach.
We follow a young filmmaker named Tyler who is obsessed with a legendary, unreleased, downright mythical film titled, uniquely enough, The Hills Run Red. He wants to track it down so badly that he finds the disappearing director's drug-addled daughter and roughly rehabs her so she can take him to the cabin where the film was...well...filmed. Along with them is Tyler's girlfriend and best friend, who are currently sleeping with each other. Bummer for Tyler.
They find what they're looking for...and shockingly enough, it doesn't go well from there.
This is a 50/50 film that balances good and crap throughout the run time. It's a film that salutes it's own twist with snarky dialogue. While it might have been surprising to me (set up with logic that I questioned later), I'd say the seeming self-pat on the back took the fun of it from me. However, the movie gets credit for side stepping my biggest horror movie pet peeve, The Out of Service Cell Phone. The characters have service, but are in a forest and completely unable to identify where they're located. Then, the killed attacks and the phone is destroyed, meaning a trace isn't going to happen.
Grade: C
It's a middle of the road film with good and bad. If forced for a "yes or no" on a rental, I would most likely lean with "no" due to the ending, which was kind of blah to me. The film includes a lot of fourth wall winks and that can be irritating or just plain annoying at times. Consider that my big warning in regards to it.
So, that counts as a review, right? Sure.
I'll edit the plug in later. :)
Day 8: The Hills Run Red
You'd think that with a title like that, the movie would be trying to capitalize on the recent Hills Have Eyes films, but it takes a much different approach.
We follow a young filmmaker named Tyler who is obsessed with a legendary, unreleased, downright mythical film titled, uniquely enough, The Hills Run Red. He wants to track it down so badly that he finds the disappearing director's drug-addled daughter and roughly rehabs her so she can take him to the cabin where the film was...well...filmed. Along with them is Tyler's girlfriend and best friend, who are currently sleeping with each other. Bummer for Tyler.
They find what they're looking for...and shockingly enough, it doesn't go well from there.
This is a 50/50 film that balances good and crap throughout the run time. It's a film that salutes it's own twist with snarky dialogue. While it might have been surprising to me (set up with logic that I questioned later), I'd say the seeming self-pat on the back took the fun of it from me. However, the movie gets credit for side stepping my biggest horror movie pet peeve, The Out of Service Cell Phone. The characters have service, but are in a forest and completely unable to identify where they're located. Then, the killed attacks and the phone is destroyed, meaning a trace isn't going to happen.
Grade: C
It's a middle of the road film with good and bad. If forced for a "yes or no" on a rental, I would most likely lean with "no" due to the ending, which was kind of blah to me. The film includes a lot of fourth wall winks and that can be irritating or just plain annoying at times. Consider that my big warning in regards to it.
So, that counts as a review, right? Sure.
I'll edit the plug in later. :)
Friday, October 7, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 7
A week! A week gone by! And let's work in another anthology film!
Day 7: Body Bags
This time is a made-for-TV deal. A seemingly backdoor pilot as the anthology film was meant to spawn off a series much like Tales From the Crypt, but Showtime changed their minds. Oh well, we get three stories with quirky introduction from an odd coroner played by director John Carpenter, who is having a lot of fun chewing up the scenery.
The three stories are:
The Gas Station. A female college student is having her first night on the job at an all-night filling station. Unlucky for her, there is a serial killer going around town and he might just be in line to give her a visit. However, luckily for her, it's not Michael Myers since this John Carpenter directed story takes place in Haddonfield, Illinois. The story consists of cameos from other known directors Wes Craven and Sam Raimi.
Hair. Stacy Keach plays a man who is obsessed with his regressing hairline. When he hears of a revolutionary new hair implanting program, he rushes out and gets much more than what he bargained when his hair keeps growing. This one is also directed by Carpenter.
Eye. A family-man baseball player is close to finally being called up to the majors after years of close calls. All is well until he loses control of his car during a rainstorm and is involved in an accident that causes him to lose an eye. Not wanting to lose his livelihood along with it, he takes an offer for an eye transplant from a questionable doctor. However, he begins showing tendencies much like his donor who just happened to be...a homicidal maniac. Bummer. This one is directed by the man who brought us the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Tobe Hooper.
As mentioned before, in-between these stories, Carpenter plays a wacky coroner making tons of puns which were silly fun. Also, at the end, the coroner segments results in cameo appearances for Tom Arnold and Tobe Hooper.
GRADE: B-
I'm such a sucker for a good anthology because good stories can make up for lackluster ones. "The Gas Station" is full of nods towards Carpenter's Halloween and a very passable tension story. "Hair" is okay at the very best and its twist is kind of dumb, but Stacy Keach is so much fun to watch act. "Eye" is where it's at with Mark Hamill who plays his character in such a likable way and struggles as his mind is corrupted by the evil that has been implanted in him. No wonder they saved it for last.
Carpenter is fun in his host segments and I think I would've watched the show if it'd been given a chance.
With that, we have another review for another October day...so here's my book plug:
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
You'd only be sacrificing a couple McChickens...or other cheap items...Okay, I'm not great at this, but my book is funny!
Day 7: Body Bags
This time is a made-for-TV deal. A seemingly backdoor pilot as the anthology film was meant to spawn off a series much like Tales From the Crypt, but Showtime changed their minds. Oh well, we get three stories with quirky introduction from an odd coroner played by director John Carpenter, who is having a lot of fun chewing up the scenery.
The three stories are:
The Gas Station. A female college student is having her first night on the job at an all-night filling station. Unlucky for her, there is a serial killer going around town and he might just be in line to give her a visit. However, luckily for her, it's not Michael Myers since this John Carpenter directed story takes place in Haddonfield, Illinois. The story consists of cameos from other known directors Wes Craven and Sam Raimi.
Hair. Stacy Keach plays a man who is obsessed with his regressing hairline. When he hears of a revolutionary new hair implanting program, he rushes out and gets much more than what he bargained when his hair keeps growing. This one is also directed by Carpenter.
Eye. A family-man baseball player is close to finally being called up to the majors after years of close calls. All is well until he loses control of his car during a rainstorm and is involved in an accident that causes him to lose an eye. Not wanting to lose his livelihood along with it, he takes an offer for an eye transplant from a questionable doctor. However, he begins showing tendencies much like his donor who just happened to be...a homicidal maniac. Bummer. This one is directed by the man who brought us the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Tobe Hooper.
As mentioned before, in-between these stories, Carpenter plays a wacky coroner making tons of puns which were silly fun. Also, at the end, the coroner segments results in cameo appearances for Tom Arnold and Tobe Hooper.
GRADE: B-
I'm such a sucker for a good anthology because good stories can make up for lackluster ones. "The Gas Station" is full of nods towards Carpenter's Halloween and a very passable tension story. "Hair" is okay at the very best and its twist is kind of dumb, but Stacy Keach is so much fun to watch act. "Eye" is where it's at with Mark Hamill who plays his character in such a likable way and struggles as his mind is corrupted by the evil that has been implanted in him. No wonder they saved it for last.
Carpenter is fun in his host segments and I think I would've watched the show if it'd been given a chance.
With that, we have another review for another October day...so here's my book plug:
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
You'd only be sacrificing a couple McChickens...or other cheap items...Okay, I'm not great at this, but my book is funny!
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
DC Reviews: Trick 'r Treat
Can I count this as Day 6 on my 31 Days?
No? Awww...too bad because I couldn't get anything wrote. So here's an anthology film.
31 Days of Halloween: Day 5
Another October Day, another horror movie...kind of. This time it's
Day 5: All The Boys Love Mandy Lane
An odd little slasher film that originated in the UK until somehow stumbling into the United States where a copy somehow found it's way loaned to me in a pile of DVDs from a friend.
It follows, uniquely enough, Mandy Lane, a formerly 'ugly' girl who has apparently gotten pretty over a summer to the delight of the male student's eyes. Since she has went from Ugly Duckling to Big Breasted Swan it becomes every male "player"s personal mission to strike first. After her less-cool best friend has a falling out with her, Mandy agrees to go on a weekend outing to a ranch where the three guys going are prepared to use all of their moves...despite the fact that there are two other girls there.
But...then they start dying. Studies show that concern about being gutted is a very good way to stop thinking about sex.
Anyway, review.
This was a mish-mash film that missed more than it hit for me. You know what you're getting into when the very first thing you see is a close-up on the tight-bloused amble bosom of the title character as she struts down a random hallway in school, people of both sexes stopping and staring in awe. In fact, the first act of the movie is just building how much of a crush everyone has on this girl who apparently got pretty very quickly (and without the help of a surgeon).
She accepts the invitation mentioned earlier and our other five characters go about establishing themselves as cliches and stereotypes. We're also introduced to the Ranch Hand who is responsible for watching over the kids. You can tell he's trustworthy because he had a mental breakdown in the war. What war? I'm sure they mentioned it, but shush.
The film eventually devolves into a typical slasher and sputters to an end that caused me to sigh deeply in disappointment.
GRADE: C-
I enjoyed how the film began, building the allure of Mandy Lane, but the further the film went on, the more and more it became a cliche, padded film. I lost interest as the film went on and the eventual "twist" at the end could be seen from approximately three and half miles away on a clear day. I might recommend it, but not for much more than a rental on a night you can't think of much else to watch.
With that said, let's get to the self-plug.
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
]]Spoilers[[
I'm cutting straight to the ending, so consider this a double warning in regards to it.
Again...the ending is right after this line.
You may guess from the way she acts or the fact that the movie is named after her, but Mandy Lane is part of the killing. Shocking right? The Less-Cool Friend of hers is doing the dirty work as part of a plan with her, ending with a double suicide. Sadly, she decides to change that plan and kills him, being declared a hero by the only other survivor for doing so. Such a blah ending.
Thanks for reading.
Day 5: All The Boys Love Mandy Lane
An odd little slasher film that originated in the UK until somehow stumbling into the United States where a copy somehow found it's way loaned to me in a pile of DVDs from a friend.
It follows, uniquely enough, Mandy Lane, a formerly 'ugly' girl who has apparently gotten pretty over a summer to the delight of the male student's eyes. Since she has went from Ugly Duckling to Big Breasted Swan it becomes every male "player"s personal mission to strike first. After her less-cool best friend has a falling out with her, Mandy agrees to go on a weekend outing to a ranch where the three guys going are prepared to use all of their moves...despite the fact that there are two other girls there.
But...then they start dying. Studies show that concern about being gutted is a very good way to stop thinking about sex.
Anyway, review.
This was a mish-mash film that missed more than it hit for me. You know what you're getting into when the very first thing you see is a close-up on the tight-bloused amble bosom of the title character as she struts down a random hallway in school, people of both sexes stopping and staring in awe. In fact, the first act of the movie is just building how much of a crush everyone has on this girl who apparently got pretty very quickly (and without the help of a surgeon).
She accepts the invitation mentioned earlier and our other five characters go about establishing themselves as cliches and stereotypes. We're also introduced to the Ranch Hand who is responsible for watching over the kids. You can tell he's trustworthy because he had a mental breakdown in the war. What war? I'm sure they mentioned it, but shush.
The film eventually devolves into a typical slasher and sputters to an end that caused me to sigh deeply in disappointment.
GRADE: C-
I enjoyed how the film began, building the allure of Mandy Lane, but the further the film went on, the more and more it became a cliche, padded film. I lost interest as the film went on and the eventual "twist" at the end could be seen from approximately three and half miles away on a clear day. I might recommend it, but not for much more than a rental on a night you can't think of much else to watch.
With that said, let's get to the self-plug.
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
]]Spoilers[[
I'm cutting straight to the ending, so consider this a double warning in regards to it.
Again...the ending is right after this line.
You may guess from the way she acts or the fact that the movie is named after her, but Mandy Lane is part of the killing. Shocking right? The Less-Cool Friend of hers is doing the dirty work as part of a plan with her, ending with a double suicide. Sadly, she decides to change that plan and kills him, being declared a hero by the only other survivor for doing so. Such a blah ending.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 4
Barely squeaking in on time is Day 4. I can stay consistent with this...I think I can, I think I can.
Day 4: Bride of Chucky
Breaking up the esteemed trilogy, Bride of Chucky is the 4th of the Killer Foul-Mouthed Puppet series (making it great for Day 4) and is packed full of inside jokes and quirky dark humor.
Jennifer Tilly plays Charles Lee Ray's "Ex-Girlfriend Who Doesn't Know She's An Ex" who gets her hands on the iconic doll and resurrects him once again. She has a crush on the Main Male character and plans on implanting Chucky's personality into him. However, due to personal issues, Tilly and Chucky get into a fight and soon she's in need of a new body as well...so might as well grab Main Male's Main Female. Thus we have plot with some fodder kills along the way.
I'm a fan of the Chucky series, especially the voice work of Brad Dourif as the ever-lovable murdering psychopath doll. It's dive into working in more 'winks' to the audience was enjoyable to me since I'm easily amused by well placed nods to knowledgeable viewers (At least when I can assume I'm a knowledgeable viewer). Also, the supporting cast is solid. Jennifer Tilly plays her role well and provides a few of the movie's better moments. Also, personal favorite John Ritter has a small role that always managed to make me chuckle despite him being, for all purposes, a villain.
The plot is silly at times, but it still works. All-in-all, I enjoyed it. How much? This much:
Grade: B-
So, my first positive review of this month. It's a fun film and fitting of the B rating since it's a solid B-Movie. Not many scares, but plenty of chuckles amid the attempts of horror.
Finally, I enjoyed the way the "best friend" character makes his exit. Mainly because it was the first time I ever saw and exit like that in a film (It's rather common for jump scares or Scary Movie __ jokes now-a-days).
No spoilers this time. Why should I spoil what I like when it's not a DC Review? :)
So, let's end it with a plug:
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
Day 4: Bride of Chucky
Breaking up the esteemed trilogy, Bride of Chucky is the 4th of the Killer Foul-Mouthed Puppet series (making it great for Day 4) and is packed full of inside jokes and quirky dark humor.
Jennifer Tilly plays Charles Lee Ray's "Ex-Girlfriend Who Doesn't Know She's An Ex" who gets her hands on the iconic doll and resurrects him once again. She has a crush on the Main Male character and plans on implanting Chucky's personality into him. However, due to personal issues, Tilly and Chucky get into a fight and soon she's in need of a new body as well...so might as well grab Main Male's Main Female. Thus we have plot with some fodder kills along the way.
I'm a fan of the Chucky series, especially the voice work of Brad Dourif as the ever-lovable murdering psychopath doll. It's dive into working in more 'winks' to the audience was enjoyable to me since I'm easily amused by well placed nods to knowledgeable viewers (At least when I can assume I'm a knowledgeable viewer). Also, the supporting cast is solid. Jennifer Tilly plays her role well and provides a few of the movie's better moments. Also, personal favorite John Ritter has a small role that always managed to make me chuckle despite him being, for all purposes, a villain.
The plot is silly at times, but it still works. All-in-all, I enjoyed it. How much? This much:
Grade: B-
So, my first positive review of this month. It's a fun film and fitting of the B rating since it's a solid B-Movie. Not many scares, but plenty of chuckles amid the attempts of horror.
Finally, I enjoyed the way the "best friend" character makes his exit. Mainly because it was the first time I ever saw and exit like that in a film (It's rather common for jump scares or Scary Movie __ jokes now-a-days).
No spoilers this time. Why should I spoil what I like when it's not a DC Review? :)
So, let's end it with a plug:
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 3
I'm back and 60% ready for another Halloween inspired reivew. Is the 3rd time the charm on my October viewing?
Day 3: Day 3: The Hills Have Eyes 2
Another sequel. Another sequel to a remake. Another disliked sequel to a remake.
I'm on fire, huh?
The remake to The Hills Have Eyes was a successful film much like it's original inspiration. A brute force tour of one unlucky family's horrible vacation choices bringing them into the den of fallout mutated humans with a penchant for heavy handed slaughter and forced encounters of the procreation kind. After doing well in theaters, it was obvious it would follow the original's parth of obtaining a sequel. Of course, drawing more parallels, both were received with a majority opinion of, "Well...ugh."
But I'm already rambling and talking in circles. Let's get to the film.
The Hills Have Eyes 2 follows a group of training U.S. National Guardsmen who have their exercise turn into a combat situation when they end up fighting for survival against the mutant people living in a New Mexico military base. They are all a series of cliches and stereotypes and not very likable for the most part.
The main character is an anti-war soldier which is along the lines of being a vegetarian McDonalds' burger flipper. Sure, they exist, but it's still an amusing approach. Of course, by him being anti-war, he's our hero who will be forced to strike down freakish mutants which will cause him to see the necessity of war...or something along those lines, I gave up on picking out lessons or junk in horror movies.
So, let's discuss the other characters.
Obviously, if you're going to have an anti-war guy, there is going to be a gun crazy there to conflict against him. That's the only recognizable thing about that particular character.
There's the Tough Girl. Times 2. One is a mother who talks about her children because it's mandatory to do so when in a life-threatening situation. The Other is the Main Female character.
Token Black Guy. Poor guy is the "Best" of the group, but we all know he's doomed. Darn racial stereotype.
Angry Military Training Instructor...Guy. HE WILL YELL AT YOU IN CREATIVELY PROFANE WAYS UNTIL YOU ARE A LEAN MEAN FIGHTING MACHINE!!! Also, since he's the only 'real' experienced person in the group he will survive to the end...no, wait. Not quite.
And...Other Guy who I don't really recall. Probably shouldn't have finished with him.
So, it's a hack-n-slash, Monsters bein' Monster film and it jumps from scene to scene, almost trying for dark humor at times. It felt like a...well...rating first:
Grade: D
Overall, the film is just a complete mess. However, the worst thing is that it's no fun. They have moments along the lines, but they're just...not impressive. You'd think writing a review, I'd have a better way to put something, but I don't.
I watched it. I can't unwatch it. It's just there for a good mockery or, if you enjoyed the first, seeing how things could've went worst for the first film.
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
I'd offer spoilers, but what is the point? The mutants want to kidnap women to impregnate them, but the movie starts with a woman giving birth and then being murdered. Cause...you know...they couldn't have just 'used' her again. Sorry, just saying.
The trainees don't act like Guardsmen, which can be explained as them being trainees, but they definitely don't act like rational human beings. Who, after seeing people murdered, decides to walk off and urinate behind a rock WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE THEY'RE GOING.
Yeah, this could be nit-picked to death, but let's not and say we did.
See you tomorrow...I hope.
Oh, but the movie does end with a "It's not over!" ending. The movie was a success, but I don't see a third being made unless it's direct-to-DVD...oh crap.
Day 3: Day 3: The Hills Have Eyes 2
Another sequel. Another sequel to a remake. Another disliked sequel to a remake.
I'm on fire, huh?
The remake to The Hills Have Eyes was a successful film much like it's original inspiration. A brute force tour of one unlucky family's horrible vacation choices bringing them into the den of fallout mutated humans with a penchant for heavy handed slaughter and forced encounters of the procreation kind. After doing well in theaters, it was obvious it would follow the original's parth of obtaining a sequel. Of course, drawing more parallels, both were received with a majority opinion of, "Well...ugh."
But I'm already rambling and talking in circles. Let's get to the film.
The Hills Have Eyes 2 follows a group of training U.S. National Guardsmen who have their exercise turn into a combat situation when they end up fighting for survival against the mutant people living in a New Mexico military base. They are all a series of cliches and stereotypes and not very likable for the most part.
The main character is an anti-war soldier which is along the lines of being a vegetarian McDonalds' burger flipper. Sure, they exist, but it's still an amusing approach. Of course, by him being anti-war, he's our hero who will be forced to strike down freakish mutants which will cause him to see the necessity of war...or something along those lines, I gave up on picking out lessons or junk in horror movies.
So, let's discuss the other characters.
Obviously, if you're going to have an anti-war guy, there is going to be a gun crazy there to conflict against him. That's the only recognizable thing about that particular character.
There's the Tough Girl. Times 2. One is a mother who talks about her children because it's mandatory to do so when in a life-threatening situation. The Other is the Main Female character.
Token Black Guy. Poor guy is the "Best" of the group, but we all know he's doomed. Darn racial stereotype.
Angry Military Training Instructor...Guy. HE WILL YELL AT YOU IN CREATIVELY PROFANE WAYS UNTIL YOU ARE A LEAN MEAN FIGHTING MACHINE!!! Also, since he's the only 'real' experienced person in the group he will survive to the end...no, wait. Not quite.
And...Other Guy who I don't really recall. Probably shouldn't have finished with him.
So, it's a hack-n-slash, Monsters bein' Monster film and it jumps from scene to scene, almost trying for dark humor at times. It felt like a...well...rating first:
Grade: D
Overall, the film is just a complete mess. However, the worst thing is that it's no fun. They have moments along the lines, but they're just...not impressive. You'd think writing a review, I'd have a better way to put something, but I don't.
I watched it. I can't unwatch it. It's just there for a good mockery or, if you enjoyed the first, seeing how things could've went worst for the first film.
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
I'd offer spoilers, but what is the point? The mutants want to kidnap women to impregnate them, but the movie starts with a woman giving birth and then being murdered. Cause...you know...they couldn't have just 'used' her again. Sorry, just saying.
The trainees don't act like Guardsmen, which can be explained as them being trainees, but they definitely don't act like rational human beings. Who, after seeing people murdered, decides to walk off and urinate behind a rock WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE THEY'RE GOING.
Yeah, this could be nit-picked to death, but let's not and say we did.
See you tomorrow...I hope.
Oh, but the movie does end with a "It's not over!" ending. The movie was a success, but I don't see a third being made unless it's direct-to-DVD...oh crap.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
31 Days of Halloween: Day 2
The 2nd day of this original idea shows that I have the ability to make a deadline at least twice. Always a great sign. Cross your fingers for tomorrow.
Day 2: The Rig
This time we take a look at one of the Direct to DVD films I watched when I first started "DC Review"ing. At the time, I chose to review other films and eventually realized it had been a long time since I recorded my thoughts on it. So for this month, I picked it up and re-examined it.
The plot is a typical horror set-up, just in a different location. Instead of being stranded in a cabin the characters in this movie are on an oil rig in the middle of a heavy storm. Even going out on the deck is (supposed to be) a dangerous move. Suddenly, they realize they're not alone and there is a sharp clawed creature drilling for blood.
There are still plenty of cliches to be found however, this movie gave me hope early on. It seemed to be building to more than just a group of people being slowly chipped away to one or two. Among the characters, was an interesting tension built around the main female, her boyfriend, and her father. Being on an oil rig, the father is the man in charge, his daughter there against his wishes, and the boyfriend a lower-level worker.
Early on, the conflict between a father wanting more from his daughter and a significant other wanting to not be questioned. She tries to hide her man from her dad, while the dad tries to make the boyfriend a better man. There's an interesting dynamic to it. Of course, it means nothing because the moment the monster appears, all issues are made moot immediately.
However, there is another male character we're supposed to care about because he's a strong, hard-worker and he has an argument with his bright, but meek younger brother. The brother is escorted off the rig when the storm starts and the film keeps cutting to him looking forlorn because he had a fight and wouldn't it be horrible if big bro died before they could reconcile?
Yeah, that goes nowhere, too, except for a brief stop at "Unlikely" Town at the of the film.
And this would be my major view on the film. It had potential to be a very engrossing and entertaining film, but seemingly abandons the interesting themes to fall into the SyFy friendly "Ten Little Indians" plot.
GRADE:D
Spoiler Comments Following the Self-Plug...
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
}}Spoilers{{
What I hint at regarding the father/daughter/boyfriend thing is how quickly it doesn't matter once the monster arrives. I started wondering if there may be an issue, such as:
The monster attacking out on the deck, the father slips and slides off the rig, managing to cling to a rail while dangling. The boyfriend is pinned down trying not to get mauled. The girl has a blunt weapon. She has to choose between saving her father or the boyfriend. I would've found that interesting.
What did I get? The father is alone in his office and is killed immediately before the rest of the "Little Indians" know what is going on. Yawn. Also, a great way to write out the man whose name is on top of the poster. Great.
However, beyond backseat screenwriting, there were things in the film that were just plain dull. An "Ex-Acronym" man who stalks around the boat with a makeshift weapon, looking to take out the monster is silly. It only provides the info that there is more than one creature since he goes to kill one and gets blindsided by another. You'd think that would be a shock but it's more of a "Oh, okay," moment with how it's presented.
The ending is ridiculously done, too. The girl survives and the boyfriend shows just how much he learned from her father by dying in an explosion. Awesome job. Then, a helicopter appears and the before-mentioned younger brother arrives. Young brother and Other Guy search and find Older Brother who was drug offscreen, yet not killed by the creature that ALWAYS EVISCERATED its prey IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway, after that, the last of the monsters arrives and Other Guy kills it because, suprise, he was Ex-Acronym's brother. Whole lot of family going on in this film.
Day 2 complete. Thanks for reading. And hopefully Day 3 will actually be up tomorrow (unless I get lazy).
Day 2: The Rig
This time we take a look at one of the Direct to DVD films I watched when I first started "DC Review"ing. At the time, I chose to review other films and eventually realized it had been a long time since I recorded my thoughts on it. So for this month, I picked it up and re-examined it.
The plot is a typical horror set-up, just in a different location. Instead of being stranded in a cabin the characters in this movie are on an oil rig in the middle of a heavy storm. Even going out on the deck is (supposed to be) a dangerous move. Suddenly, they realize they're not alone and there is a sharp clawed creature drilling for blood.
There are still plenty of cliches to be found however, this movie gave me hope early on. It seemed to be building to more than just a group of people being slowly chipped away to one or two. Among the characters, was an interesting tension built around the main female, her boyfriend, and her father. Being on an oil rig, the father is the man in charge, his daughter there against his wishes, and the boyfriend a lower-level worker.
Early on, the conflict between a father wanting more from his daughter and a significant other wanting to not be questioned. She tries to hide her man from her dad, while the dad tries to make the boyfriend a better man. There's an interesting dynamic to it. Of course, it means nothing because the moment the monster appears, all issues are made moot immediately.
However, there is another male character we're supposed to care about because he's a strong, hard-worker and he has an argument with his bright, but meek younger brother. The brother is escorted off the rig when the storm starts and the film keeps cutting to him looking forlorn because he had a fight and wouldn't it be horrible if big bro died before they could reconcile?
Yeah, that goes nowhere, too, except for a brief stop at "Unlikely" Town at the of the film.
And this would be my major view on the film. It had potential to be a very engrossing and entertaining film, but seemingly abandons the interesting themes to fall into the SyFy friendly "Ten Little Indians" plot.
GRADE:D
Spoiler Comments Following the Self-Plug...
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips ONLY $1.99!
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
}}Spoilers{{
What I hint at regarding the father/daughter/boyfriend thing is how quickly it doesn't matter once the monster arrives. I started wondering if there may be an issue, such as:
The monster attacking out on the deck, the father slips and slides off the rig, managing to cling to a rail while dangling. The boyfriend is pinned down trying not to get mauled. The girl has a blunt weapon. She has to choose between saving her father or the boyfriend. I would've found that interesting.
What did I get? The father is alone in his office and is killed immediately before the rest of the "Little Indians" know what is going on. Yawn. Also, a great way to write out the man whose name is on top of the poster. Great.
However, beyond backseat screenwriting, there were things in the film that were just plain dull. An "Ex-Acronym" man who stalks around the boat with a makeshift weapon, looking to take out the monster is silly. It only provides the info that there is more than one creature since he goes to kill one and gets blindsided by another. You'd think that would be a shock but it's more of a "Oh, okay," moment with how it's presented.
The ending is ridiculously done, too. The girl survives and the boyfriend shows just how much he learned from her father by dying in an explosion. Awesome job. Then, a helicopter appears and the before-mentioned younger brother arrives. Young brother and Other Guy search and find Older Brother who was drug offscreen, yet not killed by the creature that ALWAYS EVISCERATED its prey IMMEDIATELY.
Anyway, after that, the last of the monsters arrives and Other Guy kills it because, suprise, he was Ex-Acronym's brother. Whole lot of family going on in this film.
Day 2 complete. Thanks for reading. And hopefully Day 3 will actually be up tomorrow (unless I get lazy).
31 Days of Halloween: Day 1
In an attempt to be as cliche as nearly every other horror obsessed blogger in existence, I'll be working on giving a review a day (outside of the regular "DC Reviews" that is) for the 31 Days of Halloween.
Day 1: Rob Zombie's Halloween 2
First, some babble.
It has been over two years since I saw the unnecessary remake to the film that brought John Carpenter's directing to the public eye and introduced Jamie Lee Curtis to the world. Rob Zombie's take on Halloween consisted of adding a vulgar and violent background story that took up a majority of the movie before seemingly jamming a slightly modified version of the original into the last thirty minutes.
In all honesty, John Carpenter is my favorite director so I was very skeptical going into the remake and it didn't really impress me. Although, I was happy to figure Carpenter got some cash to make up for them re-adapting his work. While my feelings towards the remake were an overall "Meh," it was met with much anger from others who blasted it for turning the subtle terror of Michael Myers into a hulking, mouth-breathing giant with some serious mommy issues.
So, when Halloween 2 first appeared in theaters, I ignored it. I had no real reason to make the drive in order to see the sequel in theaters. However, I did get to see the reviews. And wow...they were angry. And angry is a polite way to put it. The writing led me to believe Rob Zombie appeared on screen midway to discuss how everything they loved was wrong and his wife was obviously deserving of so many major acting roles. Therefore, I decided to give it a major pass.
Until now. Two years later, I finally decided to find out for myself what this movie was truly like. And...
Wow, that was bad.
Halloween 2 has parts that if better managed feel like they could have provided an enjoyable movie, but the final product leaves much to be desired. Yet, what I personally desired most of all was a good editor. This film didn't need to be pushing 2 hours long.
For the most part Halloween 2 is three stories being told and then being brought together for the finale. The main story is Michael Myers having constant images of his dead mother and younger self speaking to him, egging him on. A continuation of the much maligned mommy issues of the first movie that also allows Sheri Moon Zombie a significant role. For the majority of this, we see a hobo-ish Michael wandering towards his final destination, killing people along the way. And these parts show how Zombie is effective with giving brute force violence to shock an audience, but unable to build significant tension towards these attacks.
The second story follows Laurie Strode as she tries to recover from seeing her friends slaughtered before shooting her attacker in the face. Apparently, when you're already a troubled person, having issues like those can cause you be a bit wacky and in need of psychiatry. This is on equal footing with the first 'story' as Laurie finds out personal secrets about herself that even she didn't know causing her to act in an annoying fashion.
The shortest of the three stories follows Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Loomis. Since somehow surviving the first movie (which I can't really fault considering how in the original Halloween 2, Donald Pleasance sets off a giant explosion that catches Michael and him, yet both appear more than willing for the 4th film) Loomis has been profiting off books and circuit speeches in regards to his studying of the child turned giant with knife. However, his time in the spotlight is just about up as he's being criticized for his use of tragedy for cash and being openly mocked (especially by "Weird" Al Yankovic in a surprisingly fun cameo).
As I hinted towards before, Zombie seems to have amped up aspects of the remake that angered viewing audiences. The main thing being the changes to the iconic slasher. Nearly all the recognizable parts of the Michael Myers found in the original films are abandoned. He's a brute force first, mask abandoning, beard-growing, speaking giant with extraordinary strength. The only real stealth shown is when Zombie has him randomly appear behind people which appeared awkward. It looked like he took some ninja classes between films.
Acting wise, Brad Dourif plays the Sheriff exceptionally well. I kind of wish he could have had a larger role. Malcolm McDowell chews scenery and is okay at best.
GRADE: D-
While nothing really intriguing, the film may be okay with a group of friends who can vent frustration in the form of riffing. There are mildly good parts, but nothing worth praising for too long. In all, it's a big disappointment and while I find the first movie okay-at-best, this one is very unlikely to ever get a second viewing.
Zombie's style could have worked but near the end, I began wondering if the rumors of him being forced to do a sequel in order to get other projects approved were true. Did he just go through the motions? If so, I hope he realizes that all he did was show he sucks at the motions, too.
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
With that done, the following are spoiler-ish Nit Picks.
So This is a warning for you to stop.
If you don't want spoilers.
...
Okay, I was rather frustrated at the overly long dream sequence that appears to reference the original Halloween 2. Being over 10 minutes long and taking the time to introduce what ends up being an imaginary fodder character seems just too much.
It seems odd that such brutal kills are delivered to people introduced solely to die, but major characters get quick, or offscreen (with brief flashes) kills. You'd think taking the time to actually introduce and have these people around would be in order to have the audience feel for them when the crushingly brutal destruction begins.
Laurie was completely unlikable to me. While I can understand why she's being portrayed in such a way, it was just plain annoying.
Dr. Loomis apparently can teleport when necessary to get to the ending, which was amusing.
The ending scene contains Myers being shot down. It was at that moment I realized how much of a mixture he was between the Jack Link's Sasquatch and Geico Caveman.
And I can't think of a better way to end this, so there you go. Thanks again.
Day 1: Rob Zombie's Halloween 2
First, some babble.
It has been over two years since I saw the unnecessary remake to the film that brought John Carpenter's directing to the public eye and introduced Jamie Lee Curtis to the world. Rob Zombie's take on Halloween consisted of adding a vulgar and violent background story that took up a majority of the movie before seemingly jamming a slightly modified version of the original into the last thirty minutes.
In all honesty, John Carpenter is my favorite director so I was very skeptical going into the remake and it didn't really impress me. Although, I was happy to figure Carpenter got some cash to make up for them re-adapting his work. While my feelings towards the remake were an overall "Meh," it was met with much anger from others who blasted it for turning the subtle terror of Michael Myers into a hulking, mouth-breathing giant with some serious mommy issues.
So, when Halloween 2 first appeared in theaters, I ignored it. I had no real reason to make the drive in order to see the sequel in theaters. However, I did get to see the reviews. And wow...they were angry. And angry is a polite way to put it. The writing led me to believe Rob Zombie appeared on screen midway to discuss how everything they loved was wrong and his wife was obviously deserving of so many major acting roles. Therefore, I decided to give it a major pass.
Until now. Two years later, I finally decided to find out for myself what this movie was truly like. And...
Wow, that was bad.
Halloween 2 has parts that if better managed feel like they could have provided an enjoyable movie, but the final product leaves much to be desired. Yet, what I personally desired most of all was a good editor. This film didn't need to be pushing 2 hours long.
For the most part Halloween 2 is three stories being told and then being brought together for the finale. The main story is Michael Myers having constant images of his dead mother and younger self speaking to him, egging him on. A continuation of the much maligned mommy issues of the first movie that also allows Sheri Moon Zombie a significant role. For the majority of this, we see a hobo-ish Michael wandering towards his final destination, killing people along the way. And these parts show how Zombie is effective with giving brute force violence to shock an audience, but unable to build significant tension towards these attacks.
The second story follows Laurie Strode as she tries to recover from seeing her friends slaughtered before shooting her attacker in the face. Apparently, when you're already a troubled person, having issues like those can cause you be a bit wacky and in need of psychiatry. This is on equal footing with the first 'story' as Laurie finds out personal secrets about herself that even she didn't know causing her to act in an annoying fashion.
The shortest of the three stories follows Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Loomis. Since somehow surviving the first movie (which I can't really fault considering how in the original Halloween 2, Donald Pleasance sets off a giant explosion that catches Michael and him, yet both appear more than willing for the 4th film) Loomis has been profiting off books and circuit speeches in regards to his studying of the child turned giant with knife. However, his time in the spotlight is just about up as he's being criticized for his use of tragedy for cash and being openly mocked (especially by "Weird" Al Yankovic in a surprisingly fun cameo).
As I hinted towards before, Zombie seems to have amped up aspects of the remake that angered viewing audiences. The main thing being the changes to the iconic slasher. Nearly all the recognizable parts of the Michael Myers found in the original films are abandoned. He's a brute force first, mask abandoning, beard-growing, speaking giant with extraordinary strength. The only real stealth shown is when Zombie has him randomly appear behind people which appeared awkward. It looked like he took some ninja classes between films.
Acting wise, Brad Dourif plays the Sheriff exceptionally well. I kind of wish he could have had a larger role. Malcolm McDowell chews scenery and is okay at best.
GRADE: D-
While nothing really intriguing, the film may be okay with a group of friends who can vent frustration in the form of riffing. There are mildly good parts, but nothing worth praising for too long. In all, it's a big disappointment and while I find the first movie okay-at-best, this one is very unlikely to ever get a second viewing.
Zombie's style could have worked but near the end, I began wondering if the rumors of him being forced to do a sequel in order to get other projects approved were true. Did he just go through the motions? If so, I hope he realizes that all he did was show he sucks at the motions, too.
Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed this, you may enjoy my tongue-in-cheek approach to horror movie safety with my new E-Book
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survival Tips
Which you can find at the link:
http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/50-plus-10-horror-movie-survival-tips/17364478
Or click on the nice looking picture thing-y.
With that done, the following are spoiler-ish Nit Picks.
So This is a warning for you to stop.
If you don't want spoilers.
...
Okay, I was rather frustrated at the overly long dream sequence that appears to reference the original Halloween 2. Being over 10 minutes long and taking the time to introduce what ends up being an imaginary fodder character seems just too much.
It seems odd that such brutal kills are delivered to people introduced solely to die, but major characters get quick, or offscreen (with brief flashes) kills. You'd think taking the time to actually introduce and have these people around would be in order to have the audience feel for them when the crushingly brutal destruction begins.
Laurie was completely unlikable to me. While I can understand why she's being portrayed in such a way, it was just plain annoying.
Dr. Loomis apparently can teleport when necessary to get to the ending, which was amusing.
The ending scene contains Myers being shot down. It was at that moment I realized how much of a mixture he was between the Jack Link's Sasquatch and Geico Caveman.
And I can't think of a better way to end this, so there you go. Thanks again.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
My Book is Now an E-Book!
50 Plus 10: Horror Movie Survivial Tips is now available in E-Book form for the price of $1.99. In it, you'll find advice on how to avoid imminent death in a horror situation with explanations broke down as to why each particular tip is worthwhile.
With Halloween a month away, you can be prepared for your horror viewing and all you're sacrificing is a couple McDonalds' McChickens.
You can find it with a click of the button below:
And I hope you enjoy!
With Halloween a month away, you can be prepared for your horror viewing and all you're sacrificing is a couple McDonalds' McChickens.
You can find it with a click of the button below:
And I hope you enjoy!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
DC Reviews: Tactical Force
Stone Cold Steve Austin's latest film combines cliche action with attempted witty dialogue. So...is it any good?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
DC Reviews: House of the Rising Sun
Former WWE star Batista stars as a disgraced former cop who has to figured out who robbed the illegal casino he was hired to protect. It's a...unique film, I suppose.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
DC Reviews: Poolboy - Drowning Out the Fury
It's a movie so bad I suggest not even watching the review. Yes. That bad.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Disturbingly Cheap Reviews: Smile
It's a horror film about a haunted camera. I don't know if that's a step up or down from killer car.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Still working on new review...
So here is Claymation Danny Trejo explaining the plot to Machete for a Brisk Tea commercial.
Hades yes.
Hades yes.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
"And Then That Happened" Hellraiser: Revelations
Sometimes things don't work out as planned.
Currently, a remake/reboot/reimaging/redo/retread/re-re-re of Clive Barker's Hellraiser is being made. The original is a classic horror film that Barker chose to direct after the less than stellar handling of his other works (Rawhead Rex being the breaking point if my memory is correct). The film's successful box office stay would allow viewers their first peak at now iconic horror character "Pinhead." From there, numerous sequels of varying quality flew into theaters, including one set in space and by directpr "Alan Smithee." Truly something that spectacular is impossible to follow on the big screen and further Hellraiser works would go Direct to DVD.
However, enough rambling about back-story most people reading this already know. There's a point to this blog...I think. Also, don't be surprised if I go from present to past tense about...now.
The news of the remake sparked debates, as all remakes seemingly do. However, there were problems. Hellraiser seemed destined to its own special hell. Development Hell. A place that had swallowed the souls of many interesting ideas of the years. There-in lies the issue...the remake was delayed, but the rights of the film needed to be retained. And the way to do that? Make a new movie for the series.
And then that happened.
Hellraiser: Revelations. A micro-budget film with no real purpose beyond holding the prementioned rights to the Hellraiser name. Such a complete and utter throw away that even Doug Bradley who has always portrayed the Pinhead character chose to stay far, far away. If that doesn't sound bad, then I have the following question: Can you think of anything else with Doug Bradley in it? No? No? Put your hand down in the back, I was attempting to be sarcastic with the question. The man who played Pinhead in Space walked away from this. That should tell you something, if not everything.
And here's the trailer.
And then that happened.
So, let's try and figure out what we just saw.
0:12 - The trailer begins in the most uplifting way possible. Handheld. I'm sure we're okay. Perhaps this is Hellraiser: Cloverfield. I mean...that could work, right?
0:22 - Inspired by Clive Barker's Horror Classic. Yes, being a sequel, we assumed you were inspired by Barker's classic tale. Unless you're talking about another thing he's done. In fact, if Hellraiser: Revelations is actually about Clive Barker's Jericho then I'm pumped.
0:25 - "There is no better buzz...than a tequila buzz!" And there is no better acting than fake-drunk.
0:27 - A girl is shown on the handheld camera. One of our two drunken...heroes... decides to "take her home" despite the fact the first part of the trailer is them declaring they're leaving LA.
0:33 - Girl is apparently an upstanding young lady as shown by her taking the opportunity to snog one of the guys in the bathroom.
0:36 - "I don't know what happened, she hit her head or something!" Oh good. Sex death? And in only three seconds? That's...darn near Al Bundy-ish.
0:37 - Hellish Rubik Cube is given to the duo. For free! Score!
0:48 - One of them opens it via cheap (duh) computer effect.
0:55 - Oh hai New Pinhead.
0:56 - Oh hai Random Female
0:58 - A dinner table of people. One girl wanting to know why "we" never talk about...yeah, she gave names as if names are important in this type of thing.
1:02 to 1:07 - Clips from the handheld including one guy choking one girl as the whiny girl complains about wanting to know what's on the handheld. Uh...okay.
1:11 - They're back! One of them hurt...Oh no?
1:14 - The camera, and thus the house, starts shaking. Oh boy...
1:22 - New Pinhead...with a Pinhead in training or some such nonsense. Also, his black attire looks rather garbage bag-ish.
1:28 - "Here we go..." I'm sorry, but I have to go with Heath Ledger on the "better delivery" scale. Perhaps if you had scars...?
1:30 to 1:46 - "You opened it. Summoned us. We came. You have a darkness that rivals my own...it will be a very special pleasure to rip you apart." I can sense my Doug Bradley bias kicking in but...no. Nice try, but no. Not scary or foreboding or spine tingling. Just a spoken line with no impact.
In-between That Time: We see clips of the Cenobites, the family, looks like the dad got hurt. Shucks, and he was my favorite character, what with his chewing of dinner.
1:46 to 1:50 - Screaming. Cenobites. Attempts to look scary. Then a shot of Pinhead doing his "Magnum" pose. Suck it, Zoolander.
1:52 - Title Card. Basic. I don't really see what kind of "Revelations" are going to occur in what is the...9th (?) movie, but I'm pretty sure the title matters as much as the actual movie.
1:53 - Badly done "After Title Jump" moment showing a terror stricken face.
And...that's that.
So, what have we learned?
Two guys with a camcorder decided to leave LA and one killed a girl with the power of bathroom sex, causing both to be rewarded with the Hell Cube. Of course, they promptly open it. Afterwards, they apparently disappeared and a girl waited until a perfectly good dinner to throw a fit about them not being around anymore which is convenient because they show up immediately. Should have asked sooner.
So they brought along the Cube and released it on the unsuspecting family, thus ruining a perfectly fine dinner. The new Pinhead and his legion of Cenobites appeared to torture because a day job is a day job. Thus we end the trailer with a wondering of...was the world clamoring for this movie?
Of course, the answer is no, but it has been brought into existence anyway. It will have a limited theatrical release (probably 4 theaters and the side of a barn) before being dumped to DVD and thrown onto a pile of new releases where the studios hope it will sink to the bottom.
...
The remake better be freaking awesome.
Currently, a remake/reboot/reimaging/redo/retread/re-re-re of Clive Barker's Hellraiser is being made. The original is a classic horror film that Barker chose to direct after the less than stellar handling of his other works (Rawhead Rex being the breaking point if my memory is correct). The film's successful box office stay would allow viewers their first peak at now iconic horror character "Pinhead." From there, numerous sequels of varying quality flew into theaters, including one set in space and by directpr "Alan Smithee." Truly something that spectacular is impossible to follow on the big screen and further Hellraiser works would go Direct to DVD.
However, enough rambling about back-story most people reading this already know. There's a point to this blog...I think. Also, don't be surprised if I go from present to past tense about...now.
The news of the remake sparked debates, as all remakes seemingly do. However, there were problems. Hellraiser seemed destined to its own special hell. Development Hell. A place that had swallowed the souls of many interesting ideas of the years. There-in lies the issue...the remake was delayed, but the rights of the film needed to be retained. And the way to do that? Make a new movie for the series.
And then that happened.
Hellraiser: Revelations. A micro-budget film with no real purpose beyond holding the prementioned rights to the Hellraiser name. Such a complete and utter throw away that even Doug Bradley who has always portrayed the Pinhead character chose to stay far, far away. If that doesn't sound bad, then I have the following question: Can you think of anything else with Doug Bradley in it? No? No? Put your hand down in the back, I was attempting to be sarcastic with the question. The man who played Pinhead in Space walked away from this. That should tell you something, if not everything.
And here's the trailer.
And then that happened.
So, let's try and figure out what we just saw.
0:12 - The trailer begins in the most uplifting way possible. Handheld. I'm sure we're okay. Perhaps this is Hellraiser: Cloverfield. I mean...that could work, right?
0:22 - Inspired by Clive Barker's Horror Classic. Yes, being a sequel, we assumed you were inspired by Barker's classic tale. Unless you're talking about another thing he's done. In fact, if Hellraiser: Revelations is actually about Clive Barker's Jericho then I'm pumped.
0:25 - "There is no better buzz...than a tequila buzz!" And there is no better acting than fake-drunk.
0:27 - A girl is shown on the handheld camera. One of our two drunken...heroes... decides to "take her home" despite the fact the first part of the trailer is them declaring they're leaving LA.
0:33 - Girl is apparently an upstanding young lady as shown by her taking the opportunity to snog one of the guys in the bathroom.
0:36 - "I don't know what happened, she hit her head or something!" Oh good. Sex death? And in only three seconds? That's...darn near Al Bundy-ish.
0:37 - Hellish Rubik Cube is given to the duo. For free! Score!
0:48 - One of them opens it via cheap (duh) computer effect.
0:55 - Oh hai New Pinhead.
0:56 - Oh hai Random Female
0:58 - A dinner table of people. One girl wanting to know why "we" never talk about...yeah, she gave names as if names are important in this type of thing.
1:02 to 1:07 - Clips from the handheld including one guy choking one girl as the whiny girl complains about wanting to know what's on the handheld. Uh...okay.
1:11 - They're back! One of them hurt...Oh no?
1:14 - The camera, and thus the house, starts shaking. Oh boy...
1:22 - New Pinhead...with a Pinhead in training or some such nonsense. Also, his black attire looks rather garbage bag-ish.
1:28 - "Here we go..." I'm sorry, but I have to go with Heath Ledger on the "better delivery" scale. Perhaps if you had scars...?
1:30 to 1:46 - "You opened it. Summoned us. We came. You have a darkness that rivals my own...it will be a very special pleasure to rip you apart." I can sense my Doug Bradley bias kicking in but...no. Nice try, but no. Not scary or foreboding or spine tingling. Just a spoken line with no impact.
In-between That Time: We see clips of the Cenobites, the family, looks like the dad got hurt. Shucks, and he was my favorite character, what with his chewing of dinner.
1:46 to 1:50 - Screaming. Cenobites. Attempts to look scary. Then a shot of Pinhead doing his "Magnum" pose. Suck it, Zoolander.
1:52 - Title Card. Basic. I don't really see what kind of "Revelations" are going to occur in what is the...9th (?) movie, but I'm pretty sure the title matters as much as the actual movie.
1:53 - Badly done "After Title Jump" moment showing a terror stricken face.
And...that's that.
So, what have we learned?
Two guys with a camcorder decided to leave LA and one killed a girl with the power of bathroom sex, causing both to be rewarded with the Hell Cube. Of course, they promptly open it. Afterwards, they apparently disappeared and a girl waited until a perfectly good dinner to throw a fit about them not being around anymore which is convenient because they show up immediately. Should have asked sooner.
So they brought along the Cube and released it on the unsuspecting family, thus ruining a perfectly fine dinner. The new Pinhead and his legion of Cenobites appeared to torture because a day job is a day job. Thus we end the trailer with a wondering of...was the world clamoring for this movie?
Of course, the answer is no, but it has been brought into existence anyway. It will have a limited theatrical release (probably 4 theaters and the side of a barn) before being dumped to DVD and thrown onto a pile of new releases where the studios hope it will sink to the bottom.
...
The remake better be freaking awesome.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
House on Haunted Hill
Starring legendary actor Vincent Price and directed by William Castle, House on Haunted Hill has always been a favorite of mine. If you haven't seen it and have some spare time on a rainy day, give it a shot. It may surprise you.
Plot: Eccentric millionaire Fredrick Loren and his fourth wife, Annabelle, have invited five not-so-lucky people to their house for a "Haunted House" party. If they can stay in the house for the entire night, they will earn $10,000 apiece. Of course, there's more going on beneath the surface.
Oh, and I'd give my thoughts on the remake, but this is supposed to be a short blurb. :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Quarantine 2: Terminal -- Notes/Review
Recently, I watched the movie Quarantine 2: Terminal hoping to later do a review of it. However, I then read of it having a limited theatrical release so it may not apply to my Direct to DVD guidelines (of which there is one rule: No extended theatrical release with a set amount of theaters that I will determine on a case by hypocritical case basis).
Anyway, the decision made was to not do it so instead I've included the notes I took in Notepad while I watched. Hope you can find some enjoyment. A summary is at the end if you don't want it.
Absolute Spoilers from Beginning to End between the ~~~ things.
~~~~~~~
QUARANTINE 2: TERMINAL
Open with a POV of a flight. They're coming in for a landing.
Cut to a cab and a woman buttoning her blouse. She's a stewardess
dressing for work as they rush not to be late. Why are they late?
The one snuck backstage at a concert and got her friend a signed
CD. That's nice.
Gate 42. I bet it holds the answers. Exposition dialogue shows
that backstage girl is getting married. Other girl is maid of honor
Then there is a phone call to show Other Girl's dad is a pilot.
The pilot seems sick. "Head cold." He mentions that dogs in his
neighborhood are sick. Ooo Eee...cut to the captain of the flight
talking to Jenny, aka Maid of Honor AKA other girl. She then
goes to meet George. Some kid travelling by himself. He 'knows
the drill' of being the alone-in-flight kid. "I can take care of
myself." Sure, kid.
Cut to an older man in a wheelchair being brought onboard. with
his wife. "He can hear you, but he can't speak...Parkinson."
Awww.
Hello Cliche Fat Guy cracking jokes about the weight of the
plane now that he has entered. "What's a fella gotta do to get a
beer around here?"
Captain notices other pilot's headcold. We randomly meet TBGal by
complimenting her nails. Then some teacher with hampsters. They
try to push the animals into an overhead compartments. One of them
bites the fat guy...please be Zombie Hamsters. Teacher is
apparently attractive because the two stewardesses share a line
about him. Hello Token Black Guy. We just cut around showing
other passengers who should probably be named "Fodder"
Take-off. Fatty has to turn off his cell. TBGuy sneezes. So...
Who will turn first? I'm going pilot. Anyway, a couple passengers
are nervous. Flying and all. Kid yawns cause it's 2nd nature to
him. Random Guy rubs his Random Gal's belly to confirm a Random
Baby that's most likely not going to make it to the world.
"You are now free to move about the cabin..." And everyone pops
out electronics. The kid has a PSP. Says he's going to be picked
up by his "Smother. Step Mother."
Later. Night. Nervous TBGal is Nervous. Hasn't seen her husband in
over a year. Random Guy is ripping someone over the phone and gets
confronted for using the thing. Teacher helps the Stewardess and
then flirts with her. She doesn't really appreciate it, but then
starts acting sweet. I guess cause he's attractive. I don't get it
There's another Random Couple. I'll call them Horny Fodder. Guess
what they're doing? No, they aren't in the bathroom going for Mile
High yet. It's most likely coming, though...
Cut to an old woman with a cat that "never leaves the apartment
building." I enjoy that they're building all these red herrings...
unless they all work, which would be hilarious, too.
Stewardess discuss teacger, again. Fat Guy asks for water.
Breathing heavy. Looks at his hampster bite. HAMSTER
ZOMBIES YES
"I Can Take Care of Myself" kid gets a pop. They write off Fatty
as just drunk. The Teacher is watching a news report on the place
from the first movie. Fatty is getting worse.
Jenny goes to check on him. Then throws up on her. "Stop the plane
and let me off!" We get reaction shots from the other passengers.
Backstage Girl is helping Fatty as the old lady's cat licks up his
vomit. Jenny cleans up real quick. Lets her hair down...
Fatty rages. Rushes to the cockpit."I Can Handle Myself" Kid goes
for a rear naked choke. That fails. Seeing this, a few other
passengers jump up to help. One Jerk is told to help but won't so
that later we'll be happy at the death he has.
Dude, did someone just curb stomp Fatty?...AWESOME.
In the cockpit, head cold kept the captain alert to what was
happening. Nervous TBGal is apparently a medic and checks on the
kid, who may have a concussion. Teacher volunteers to help, but
we know it's his evil hampsters that caused this...hey, where's
that cat?
Jenny and her friend have a private chat. Jenny freaking out about
how she didn't do anything right. Captain interrupts this to alert
them of an emergency landing. It's bumpy. Where's the daggone cat?
In the Horror Closet?
Bumpy, bumpy. Fatty slides and hits his head. Ha? The stewardesses
work to strap him in. Backstage girl gets bit. Uh-oh. Big guy is
roaring like a shark out for revenge. Couple guys force him into
the bathroom. They land.
Horny Couple's Guy is recording this on a camcorder. Control is
telling them to hold position on the ground. Captain is an old
guard guy, so he barks back and takes a spot.
When they open the door, a worker is yelling at them for being
in the work place. Like they care. Sadly, no one is helping the
old paralyzed man so his wife stays behind with him. They go to a
door but it's locked. So worker takes them a different path. Jenny
goes to see how the pilots are. They're hold Fatty at bay, tell
her to go on. So...she does. Uh...okay?
"I can handle myself" kid takes a look at the video game style
platforming location that we'll probably see taken advantage of
later on. Bit girl hasn't talked since. Worker is leading them to
"Tarmac" level. I don't know airplane lingo. More looking around.
Worker gets to the door...Locked. "This has never been locked
before." He starts looking around at other doors. Metal lifts.
Nothing opens. No codes working. They're on Lock Down.
"You ever hear of terrorism?" They're not going anywhere. "This is
not okay." Good dialogue Ms Obvious. So everyone yells at each
other under Medic quiets them down...by shouting "Quiet." Okay?
Sirens. The Kid starts platforming. Cops, Cops, Cops, Fire engines
fire engines, helicopters. "Attention...Do Not Attempt to Leave.
Help is on the way...You are now under Quarantine." And the window
they're looking out gets blocked off.
Everyone gets on their cell phones. Jenny calls her pilot daddy
and leaves a message begging him to call her back and tell her
what to do. Worker called 911. They haven't heard about this.
Another noise. They're lighting up the area. Everyone starts
harassing Jenny as if she knows what is going on. "Just go fetch
the captain, honey." So she asks the Worker for help getting
back to the plane.
He alerts us that he has a 3year old daughter ensuring a death in
his future. Other people say they'll go...mainly for selfish
reasoning. Daggone it. Where is the cat?
Power gets shut off. Oh good, it looks like they want the non-
infected people to have absolutely no chance whatsoever. Again,
no one trust the teacher with the demented Zombie Hamsters.
Some emergency lights on. They make it back to the plane. More
locked doors. Inside...the plane appears empty. Why are my cat
senses tingling? Jenny is scared. Red and blue lights running down
the cabin to build tension. Worker walks in with a flashlight.
Jerk who didn't help barges in. "This is a mess man!" She opens
the bathroom and...there's blood but nothing else. TBGuy wants his
laptop. They look around and pick up some flares. The Parkinson's
guy is still around. Looks down to try and give warning to
something. Maybe the cat took everyone down.
They search. There are 5 of them (minus the man who can't move).
Worker drops into the baggage hold to find the medic's bags. Jerk
comes as well...to find his own bag. The teacher comes down to and
we see a mutant hampster running about. Oh noez. They find the
empty container for the hampsters but teacher isn't concerned.
Jerk's suitcase had a gun in it. A hamster rage attacks the worker
who takes a golf club to it...who brought a golf club?!
Jenny climbs back up first. Sees a bloody laptop. Oh no. Token
Black Guy?! She looks down the aisle and we see headcold crawling
around and snarling. She turns and Infected Captain grabs her.
Worker hops up and battles the infected guy until Jerk shoots him.
The infected guy that is. Bullet doesn't go through thankfully.
We hear a voice over outside alerting people there is a gun inside
the building. They find Token Black Guy. Guess what. He's dead.
They help the paralyzed man into a wheelchair and push him away.
Jenny finds the old woman. "He-l-l-l-l-l-lp me!" And then she rage
charges. So they lock her in a room and try to retreat back to the
others. Which they do.
Hey, the cat lady has the cat. We hear that Jerk got blood on his
face. Nice way to get infected. Medic works on Backstage Girl.Jerk
reveals that he doesn't just have a gun but extra ammo.
Jenny's dad called and said to "Take the stick..." and then all
the cell phones died. She reveals he taught her to fly but she was
too afraid to do it herself...so one day he just let go and told
her to "Take the stick." Sounds like a jerk to me.
So she walks around inspecting weird noises alone like a genius
and finds some blood. Doesn't immediately turn and run. Anyway,
Worker and Teacher have barricaded the woman. Jenny goes to talk
to the crowd and they rabble until Medic tells them to shut up.
She has the power.
"You ask me it looked like some sort of ****ed up rabies." Thanks
worker.
Oh no. Poor wheelchair guy sees a Zombie Hampster and tries to
get attention. Awww. They argue as he stares and tries to groan.
The kid sees the giant rat just as it jumps and bites the poor
man. Daggone it.
For their safety, they load him into a place and lock it. Turns
out the rat is a labrat. The kid points out the teacher brought
the animals onto the plane. They're not Zombie Hampster. They're
Zombie Rats. The teacher tries to explain to Jenny.
"You can't bring labrats...I never would've made it through
security." She instantly buys that. Oh, Jenny...he hugs her just
in time for Fatty to reappear with a rage charge. Where the heck
have you been?!
So they wrap a cord around his neck and group hang him. That works
I suppose. Worker gets a call telling him the CDC is coming in.
The kid goes to Jenny and tells her the teacher is lying.
"You believe him cause you like him." Smart kid.
Enter the CDC with blinding white light...and guns. The one guy
who has been recording stuff is told to turn it off. They take
the Jerk's gun. Because they're too dumb to calmly ask the others
what is happening, they instead order the bitten people to be
unlocked and taken out. I'm sure this will end well.
"You've been exposed, but we don't know if you're infected."
"EVERYTHING. WILL. BE. EXPLAINED!" ~ Repeated line. They're told
to "take the protocol." Cat Lady agrees. IS HOLDING THE CAT!
AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YES! CAT BIT HER!
"THE CAT IS INFECTED!"
They unleash a hail of gunfire at the cat, which somehow causes the
paralyzed man to realize "Dude, I can walk now!" and attack.
He gets filled with bullets afterwards. The CDC guys try to leave,
but are locked in. They have automatic weapons so they shoot the
door open. Camera Guy (Alias Horny Guy) rushes out with them and
they're all gunned down. Bummer dude.
They pull in a wounded CDC guy. A wail is heard in the darkness.
Also, Jerk is infected (blood to face earlier) so we get a quick
cut to black. Everyone non-infected locked in a truck. Okay. 3rd
Act, here we go.
"Each cartridge had it's own color!"
CBDT. Chemical Biological Domestic Terrorism. So the wounded guy
gives us backstory and recaps the first movie. "Rats are the
carrier." Uh-oh, Teach. Anyway, CBDT guy tells them they won't be
leaving, then steals a gun and blows his head off.
So people start breaking down. Worker recalls that there is a
flood tunnel they might be able to use. Nice time to remember that.
Are you related to a forgetful landlord by chance? As he goes to tell them
directions he is conviently attacked by HeadCold Infected. So they
are slightly delayed while killing that guy.
Afterwards, everyone leaves the big container and Worker starts to
lead them to the tunnel. Seriously, HeadCold was just a filler
jumpscare before the next logical step.
As they go, they realize is Henry is missing, then one of the
fodder characters gets got. We cut to Henry (Teacher) locking and
loading. Meanwhile, the group is moving forward and run into
Backstage Infected. Jenny and her have a brief confrontation
before Infected is knocked off a scaffold to the ground, dead on
impact. Awww...I guess.
Worker continues to lead the way and this reminds me of the
fireman from the first movie meaning this guy probably dies just
before they get where they're going. I could be wrong, but I'm
filling time while they look for maps or junk.
Kid stole Teacher's bags and shows that he intentionally brought
the infected rats on board. This isn't really much of a shocker.
I'm guessing most viewers were waiting for the nice guy who 'made
a mistake' to be revealed as the villain.
Worker explains their route, thus making him useless. Infected
people swarm but Teacher arrives and shoots Jerk Infected and
Fodder Infected. Not sure about Cat Infected, but I heard a meow.
Not Teacher tells Kid to give him a box. Kid opens it and looks at
a bottle. "That's the antidote, right?"
Worker charges NotTeacher and gets a bullet. Yeah...there you go.
So, NotTeacher takes the antidote. "How'd you get that through
security?" "The same way I got my rats through...friends."
What a nice non-answer that is.
He's heading to Kansas City and continues to talk about spreading
the plague for the good of humanity. He explains what he's doing
as he does it.
Kid: "What is that?"
Not Teacher: "You're a smart kid."
Huh?!
So, NotTeacher gets to dialogue on how gov't is bad. "Earth could
use a good plague." He then injects himself in the eye with the
antidote while Medic, Kid, and Jenny (The only ones left) just stand
there and watch.
NotTeacher takes the kid as a hostage. The girls split up.
Token Black Infected arrives and chases after Jenny. They run
around for a bit until she gets him into a position to drop
something heavy on him a couple times. Thanks for getting rid of
that plot hole, movie.
So, Jenny continues on and finds another Fodder Infected who bends
over backwards for no legit reason. Medic jump scares Jenny to
show that she found a special seeing device. Thermal vision. So
Jenny puts it on and we see that Medic got bit off screen.
With that, Medic goes to die heroically or something. It's not like
she just saw a guy who had an antidote AND used it in front of her so
she'd know how to give it. Oh well, the script is out of lines for her.
So she calls out to the infected and gets swarmed by 4 immediately.
Great plan you idiot. Didn't even try and run. With those four now
in the general area of Jenny, she decides to leave and chase after
NotTeacher & Kid.
Seriously, why did Medic give up when she KNEW there was an
antidote with the person she was chasing? Anyway, as Jenny moves
forward, she finds mice. "Just mice." She continues following a path.
Really though, what kind of plan is shouting "COME AND GET ME!"
and then standing there until they do? Daggone it, climb some
steps, yell, and run away.
Anyway, Jenny finds Kid. "It didn't work! Don't come down here!"
He begs her not to come down, but she does. She gets attacked by
NotTeacher Infected and her Thermal thing is knocked off so we
can get shots of the struggle in Thermal vision. The Kid throws
on the vision, finds a gun, and shoots NotTeacher in the chest
Nice shot.
"DID YOU GET HIM!?!" Poor Jenny. He gives her the vision so she
can see him. He's still moving, so she grabs something heavy and
bashes him up. They check and neither were bitten.
The Kid goes to explain what happened, but suddenly, the Terminal
is exploding. They really don't want people getting out, huh?
"We're not going to get out of here...I just want to go home!" Uh,
Kid, it's not time to be an idiot. She gives the kid the vision
thing and puts him in a tunnel that she had to break open. She
follows behind him. So we get the vision in the tunnel. Sounds of
more explosions. And they crawl...they crawl and crawl and crawl.
They just crawl...and Jenny gets tired. And breathing heavily.
Then the kid looks back and sees that she was bit on the stomach.
Uh...oh... She starts showing the signs, "I'm infected. Keep
going." The Kid decides to start being stupid and instead of
trying to run stays behind to shout "I'm not leaving you! You
won't hurt me!" Movie, this is taking too long to get to a now
ridiculously obvious end.
So they crawl..and crawl and crawl and craaaaaaaaaaaaawl. And they
get to a way out. Gee, I wonder what happens now? "Jenny! We made
it!" He squeezes out of a...I don't even know. Shouts back for
Jenny to follow. "I'm not leaving without you!" And Jenny attacks.
DUH.
She grabs his hoodie but that's it. Thus the kid walks away, looks back
at an offscreen smoldering terminal, and continues walking.
Then, we cut to Thermal Vision and show that the Cat made it.
YAY, CAT! Wait...
THE END.
~~~~~
This movie is a lot like the people who get infected during its runtime. Fine for about 30 minutes, starts to show signs of problems, and completely falls apart into a mess at the end. The 3rd act doesn't feel like a finish as much as a patch job. As if the writers went
"Wait, the one guy was shown dead, but never seen again. Someone will totally mention that on IMDB. We got to have him randomly attack her."
"Great idea. That'll fill another 45 seconds at least."
And then they went "Heck with it, just have an explosion. That'll answer their stupid questions."
The best part of this film was the beginning as they built to the actual introduction of the infection. People sneezing. A pilot taking medicine for a sudden "headcold." An older man suffering from a disease (Let's be honest, it could be the old woman infecting the man who couldn't tell anyone. If it can be the teacher, it can be anyone). A fat man who has had "one too many." A doctor with hamsters. So many possible options that the suspense building to the inevitable was rather fun.
I guess I'm saying is that the actual plot hurt the movie. Oh well.
Grade: C-. Worth a watch if you enjoyed the remake (which, in admission...I didn't.). The beginning is really well done but everything after that is sloppy cliche with an ending that tries to twist things up, but mostly recreates the 1st movie (No, really. You suddenly remember a hidden/forgotten tunnel under the area you're locked in?) before throwing out a sequel tease.
So until next time...Can we get a movie with some ZOMBIE HAMSTERS!?
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