Currently, a remake/reboot/reimaging/redo/retread/re-re-re of Clive Barker's Hellraiser is being made. The original is a classic horror film that Barker chose to direct after the less than stellar handling of his other works (Rawhead Rex being the breaking point if my memory is correct). The film's successful box office stay would allow viewers their first peak at now iconic horror character "Pinhead." From there, numerous sequels of varying quality flew into theaters, including one set in space and by directpr "Alan Smithee." Truly something that spectacular is impossible to follow on the big screen and further Hellraiser works would go Direct to DVD.
However, enough rambling about back-story most people reading this already know. There's a point to this blog...I think. Also, don't be surprised if I go from present to past tense about...now.
The news of the remake sparked debates, as all remakes seemingly do. However, there were problems. Hellraiser seemed destined to its own special hell. Development Hell. A place that had swallowed the souls of many interesting ideas of the years. There-in lies the issue...the remake was delayed, but the rights of the film needed to be retained. And the way to do that? Make a new movie for the series.
And then that happened.
Hellraiser: Revelations. A micro-budget film with no real purpose beyond holding the prementioned rights to the Hellraiser name. Such a complete and utter throw away that even Doug Bradley who has always portrayed the Pinhead character chose to stay far, far away. If that doesn't sound bad, then I have the following question: Can you think of anything else with Doug Bradley in it? No? No? Put your hand down in the back, I was attempting to be sarcastic with the question. The man who played Pinhead in Space walked away from this. That should tell you something, if not everything.
And here's the trailer.
And then that happened.
So, let's try and figure out what we just saw.
0:12 - The trailer begins in the most uplifting way possible. Handheld. I'm sure we're okay. Perhaps this is Hellraiser: Cloverfield. I mean...that could work, right?
0:22 - Inspired by Clive Barker's Horror Classic. Yes, being a sequel, we assumed you were inspired by Barker's classic tale. Unless you're talking about another thing he's done. In fact, if Hellraiser: Revelations is actually about Clive Barker's Jericho then I'm pumped.
0:25 - "There is no better buzz...than a tequila buzz!" And there is no better acting than fake-drunk.
0:27 - A girl is shown on the handheld camera. One of our two drunken...heroes... decides to "take her home" despite the fact the first part of the trailer is them declaring they're leaving LA.
0:33 - Girl is apparently an upstanding young lady as shown by her taking the opportunity to snog one of the guys in the bathroom.
0:36 - "I don't know what happened, she hit her head or something!" Oh good. Sex death? And in only three seconds? That's...darn near Al Bundy-ish.
0:37 - Hellish Rubik Cube is given to the duo. For free! Score!
0:48 - One of them opens it via cheap (duh) computer effect.
0:55 - Oh hai New Pinhead.
0:56 - Oh hai Random Female
0:58 - A dinner table of people. One girl wanting to know why "we" never talk about...yeah, she gave names as if names are important in this type of thing.
1:02 to 1:07 - Clips from the handheld including one guy choking one girl as the whiny girl complains about wanting to know what's on the handheld. Uh...okay.
1:11 - They're back! One of them hurt...Oh no?
1:14 - The camera, and thus the house, starts shaking. Oh boy...
1:22 - New Pinhead...with a Pinhead in training or some such nonsense. Also, his black attire looks rather garbage bag-ish.
1:28 - "Here we go..." I'm sorry, but I have to go with Heath Ledger on the "better delivery" scale. Perhaps if you had scars...?
1:30 to 1:46 - "You opened it. Summoned us. We came. You have a darkness that rivals my own...it will be a very special pleasure to rip you apart." I can sense my Doug Bradley bias kicking in but...no. Nice try, but no. Not scary or foreboding or spine tingling. Just a spoken line with no impact.
In-between That Time: We see clips of the Cenobites, the family, looks like the dad got hurt. Shucks, and he was my favorite character, what with his chewing of dinner.
1:46 to 1:50 - Screaming. Cenobites. Attempts to look scary. Then a shot of Pinhead doing his "Magnum" pose. Suck it, Zoolander.
1:52 - Title Card. Basic. I don't really see what kind of "Revelations" are going to occur in what is the...9th (?) movie, but I'm pretty sure the title matters as much as the actual movie.
1:53 - Badly done "After Title Jump" moment showing a terror stricken face.
And...that's that.
So, what have we learned?
Two guys with a camcorder decided to leave LA and one killed a girl with the power of bathroom sex, causing both to be rewarded with the Hell Cube. Of course, they promptly open it. Afterwards, they apparently disappeared and a girl waited until a perfectly good dinner to throw a fit about them not being around anymore which is convenient because they show up immediately. Should have asked sooner.
So they brought along the Cube and released it on the unsuspecting family, thus ruining a perfectly fine dinner. The new Pinhead and his legion of Cenobites appeared to torture because a day job is a day job. Thus we end the trailer with a wondering of...was the world clamoring for this movie?
Of course, the answer is no, but it has been brought into existence anyway. It will have a limited theatrical release (probably 4 theaters and the side of a barn) before being dumped to DVD and thrown onto a pile of new releases where the studios hope it will sink to the bottom.
...
The remake better be freaking awesome.
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